Ch 2 & 3 of “A Lovers’ Mentality”

2

“I’m down for whatever, simple as that”

 

Last night with Shame was amazing. The thought of the connection between our chemistry sent chills down my spine. After all, he was still my boo. Before yesterday occurred, it has been a while since we fucked the way that we did last night. I mean, I’m not saying the sex has been sour, I’m just saying it hasn’t been as good. But something came over me last night. A feeling that made me feel as if I had to prove something to Shame. I had to prove to him that I wanted to make this work. Regardless.

While we were lying in bed together, Shame rolled over on his side. My back was turned towards him and I was on my way into a deep sleep until I felt Shame kissing on my bare shoulder. I turned towards him, feeling the urgency to make love to him once again. Pulling my hair out of my face, Shame leaned in close kissing me deeply… seconds after ending this kiss, he began staring at me. That was then that I felt that he had something on his mind.

“Love hurts Yemya. If I were to ever lose you, how can I ever love someone who can never replace you? The love wouldn’t da same…”

“Really Shame?” I said as I turned over to face him. “Is that how you feel about me? You love me that much that you can’t love anyone else?” The statement caught me off guard. I knew Shame loved me. It was just his way of showing it and acting it made me have my share of my doubts. Then again… maybe I’m just plain ole foolish…

“Baby… I’m telling you… this is real”

I looked into my man eyes and then our lips met.  Melting under his kisses, I felt Shame trace his hand down my back… cupping my ass. We made love all over again that night.

Waking up the next morning to Shame missing on the other side of the bed; I held eyes closed to reminisce on us making love last night. I didn’t even make it out the house yesterday because we were here fucking like we didn’t have a care in the world.

Reaching over to my nightstand to pick up my ringing phone. “Hello.”

“What’s up Mya”

It was my home girl Parys. Parys and I were really cool; she was my silly side of me. We clicked the moment that we started kicking it in my hood. Parys was mix with a deep sultry voice. One thing about Parys is that she was always herself. Cool.

“Hey chick, what’s up?” I asked

“Girl, nothing, just got into it with Ray”

“Girl is you serious!”

“I’m good girl, he have his ways. So I just let him have his ways…”

“You know how I am about guys Parys. I would rather be by myself than to go through the bullshit that you have to go through with that niggah.” I knew what the phone call was about. Ray and Parys always had their ups and down. The niggah was on some real jealous shit if I must say so myself… But folks can get caught off guard. You think that that person would be the one that you’ve been waiting on… you know that person that you are destined to be with; the one who would take you out of the streets. But be we all know that God has a plan for each of us…

“You know he got mad and had put me out of his car girl!”

“Bitch! For real!?” I asked. I couldn’t believe the shit. Ray as put her out of his car. Damn. “Why girl? What happened?”

“I saw an old friend and I spoke to him… so now Ray thinks I’m fucking him Yemya.”

“Girl, if it ain’t one thing then it’s another with ya’ll” I laughed.

“Girl, his jealous ways. He swear I be talking to my Ex… He just doesn’t understand.”

“Men just don’t understand.” I sighed. Thinking about the emptiness I felt now that Shame got his nut and left to go on about his business. “See, I knew that Shame was coming from a rocky relationship and at first it seemed as if we were passed that. Then come to find out, the chick is about to have his baby and he is still going through the motions with her and he wants me to trust him. Then last night, he was telling me how much he loved and needed me and for me to bear with him until he make through his situation with her. Some days I just feel like he is running a game on me. Yet he can be so sincere about everything…”

“Sincere!” Parys said into the phone. “Girl, I’m lucky to even get that from Ray… he make me feel so little.”

“Damn girl… you need to get out and chill honey. Give yourself some fresh air. If you gone be with that niggah then you deserve some happiness… Don’t you think?” I asked her. I sat up in my bed, ready to go off. I don’t understand most women these days. They can be so hooked on the dick that they don’t do anything about the pain that is being caused by a man with her heart.

“I don’t talk to nobody! I don’t go no where! Hell… I’m barely able to hang on to my friends because of his ass” Parys exclaimed.

I felt her pain… She was in love. Hell, I’m in the position with Shame. I was in love with someone… who was in love with pussy. “Girl, when you call, don’t I always answer your phone call?”

I heard Parys let out a slight laugh into the phone and said, “Yea girl, EVERY time I call… me hearing your voice mail is rare.”

“See, there you go… you ain’t losing no friends girl. Your real friends gone always be there. It doesn’t matter if ya’ll hear from each other every month. Honey, they will always be there to answer a phone call or reply to text. It may not be on time or right then and there but here me when I say that I got you.” Matter of fact, I got all my girls. I might get caught up in my relationship or what not. But… we are grown. We should be able to understand each other’s situations. At least I do… Some folks catch a fit or tend to act funny if they don’t hear from you… truth be told.

“I know girl… I be noticing that shit too… Folks fall out of your lives like leaves on a tree branch. I can’t believe that shit though. After I had put my heart and time into our relationship… the niggah still feel as if he can’t trust me Mya… don’t you know how much that hurts? But that’s a relationship for you huh…?”

I could hear the pain in my home girl voice. Trust can be a big issue in relationships… without it, how can you expect to have love? People that I have talked to never gave the best advice. I was either the one dishing the opinions to them and telling my stories to my journals. You live and you learn. Am I not right?

“Relationships take a lot of work Parys… I am sure there are going to be some days that are filled with so much hurt and heartache… Trust me. I’m going through my motions myself… confused and not able to outweigh my troubles. But you just have to remember that you have to be yourself girl. Do the good days and outweigh the bad… Don’t give up too soon; I’m trying to face it myself with Shame. At least work it out without questioning it… Take it and learn from it. Like they say… what’s done in the dark will come into the light.”

If only I could convince myself to believe that. It seems like it’s always easy to talk to people about their issues than it is to even consider it myself. Yea it sounds good; I’m good at telling it… but me. My comfort was through my writing for me to even understand it myself.

“You always know what to say Mya… for real. You just lifted a little weight up off of my shoulders.”

“I’m just telling you what I think you need to hear love. You know how you want your relationship to go… Just don’t let it go the wrong way.” I laughed. I thought about Shame. I wondered if our relationship will ever go sour. I thought about me not being a woman and giving up on us; or me being a woman and taking control of my relationship. Is putting effort and trying to keep a cheating man worth it? After getting off the phone with Parys, I pulled out my journal and began to trace over my thoughts.

 

Wednesday April 18th, 2007

Man, yesterday I saw you I was happy to see you… I mean, it’s been a minute. Then you told me that you weren’t going to fall in love anymore. I still don’t know what you mean by that. I started to ask you but I didn’t want to get my feelings hurt. So my deep thoughts… I kept them to myself. I love it when we can chill together. I swear… it’s like nothing in the world can stop us from enjoying each other. I remember when we first met. We couldn’t stop kissing, touching, texting… hell… even speaking. It’s April and so much has changed since then. My mind is filled with so much negative shit. I know that you lie to me. Especially about that bitch Angel. I guess every bitch you talk to is your best friend…? I guess I am jealous that you call her baby girl. Damnit Shame… I’m hurting because I don’t know what to do without you. I’m confused and I’m mixed with emotions of love. My stomach hurts from the thought of you fucking around on me. At first, I was like… she’s just some chick from North Carolina who you grew up with in Georgia… but damn… this bitch saying shit that me as your ole lady should be saying to you. What’s up with that!?

Yemya

 

 

3

“Life is about pushing past its limits”

 

“I hate when my name constantly comes out of a bitch mouth! They don’t even know me!” I yelled into the phone. These hoes are so irrelevant to me. For some reason they are always popping up and out the mouth. Trying to throw salt on my game… Here I am at Marshalls trying to shop in peace and I so happen to get a phone call about some bitch fucking Shame. Bitches got so much to say these days. I swear they do and Shame better believe that he have another one coming.

“Girrrl” Brooke said as she glanced around Marshalls at the other shoppers who heads were now facing my direction. I heard her giggle as she continued to look through a rack full of shirts. “You so loud Yemya, I swear the folks outside even heard you.”

I couldn’t help but to laugh myself. I didn’t realize how loud I have gotten until Brooke said something. Hell, if she wouldn’t have said anything I would be still going off over the phone all the while forgetting where I was at. Hell, they would have to call the security guards to escort me out this bitch because I was ’38-hott.

“What’s wrong” Brooke asked “What happened?”

Leaning against one of the clothing racks, I told Brooke about my phone conversation that I just had. “I’m telling you Brooke… these bitches better come correct. All these rumors about Shame fucking these hoes… I don’t know. And I’m still sexing him when I should have been let him go. I don’t know what I’m holding on to…” I sighed. As much as I wanted to try and work things out, I was getting fed up with Shame and all the he say she say shit. It was still unbelievable to me that Shame was wilding out like that. Creeping on me… Yemya… I swear I’m too badd for him to be cheating I thought. “I know my pussy is good. I don’t have a problem in taking care of my man right? So why is he creeping around…?”

“Girl some niggahs be doing the most. Greg ain’t no better” Brooke said as she pulled a shirt out from the rack than placing it against her chest. “How does this look?”

“It’s cute” I said. “But it’s not something that I wouldn’t wear.”

“Well damn hoe, you ain’t got to say it like that” she said with a laugh.

“Well bitch if you quit wearing loud ass colors then just maybe it would be of my taste. Until then, you can keep that shit” I said with a laugh. “Besides, I’m done; I can’t find anything in here anyway.”

“Hell yea, well let me go buy this shirt and we can go. Where you want to go next?” she asked.

“I’m ready to eat and right now my stomach is calling for Famous Daves” I said as I walked towards the checkout line.

“Mane you ain’t lying, I’m sho’ll hungry” Brooke said in her Memphis southern slang.

I know that Shame and I haven’t been the smoothest terms lately, but believe me when I say that for him to be fucking off with some females… I’m sure to get medieval… I know when have only been together for what… about a couple of months. But we are in a “relationship” and he needs to respect what he has and he needs to recognize that he is walking on thin ice. I’m about fed up with this drama shit and call it quits on the whole relationship. I can only take so much… How much more shit is it that women have to go through for a man… Honestly, this drama shit isn’t for me.

“So where you want to eat?” Brooke asked while taking her receipt and change from the cashier’s hand.

Snapping out of my thoughts, I turned towards Brooke. “Famous Daves sounds damn good to me” I said in a jokingly voice.

Is it worth it? Fighting another female over a niggah? I mean what do men get out of that? How can a woman ever trust another man all the while knowing about the shit the past done put her through… Should I end things with Shame… Is my love for him that strong? Is that battle worth the fight? Should I give us a try? How can he treat the woman that’s been down for him since day one so wrong?

So many questions where bottled in my mind; I was anxious to get back home to express those same thoughts in my writing. Walking to Brooke’s car, I pulled out my cell phone and began to text Shame. I was so mad that I had to continuously re-text misspelled words.

I swear I can’t stand u! I’m tired of u & yo’ bitches!!!! I already kno’ yo’ ass is going 2 try to mothafuckin games. Fake ass niggah! I can’t stand yo’ simple ass and I’m tired of folks calling my phone about u and yo’ nonfactor ass bitches Shame!

Pressing send, I closed my flip phone and got in the car. I was ready to eat; I blew off my steam, sat back and chilled in Brooke’s passenger seat.

After eating a fabulous meal platter with rib tips, Brooke and I chatted. Paid our bill and was on our way. After Brooke dropped me off, I slowly climb the stairs of my Dogwood apartment complex, unlocking my door then locking it behind me. I slowly walked into my bedroom switching on the light then peeling off my clothes throwing them onto the floor then climbed into bed.

So what do I think about my relationship as of now? I don’t know… I mean, really… what is the outcome of us? Hell, come to think about it, Shame only calls me when he wants something. It’s either for money, pussy or to use my car. I’m starting to notice that. It always seems to start off with a ‘Baby what you doing’ or an ‘I miss you’. Then he just gets to his point. I never asked him for anything and I bet his ass don’t think about that.

“I don’t understand why you constantly do so much for that niggah and he don’t do shit for you” Taylor said into the phone.

“I wondered the same thing… I guess it’s out of love” I sighed as I got up from the bed to grab my journal.

“So did he even text you back after you sent him that text?”

“No… the niggah didn’t even bother to call… I don’t know what to do about us Tay”

I don’t know why I’m confiding in friends. For all they care, they believe that I just fall in love and get hooked on dick. That is what keep me satisfied and quiet. Which is another yea, whatever bullshit. But when people have time to think… they think about the simple things and nothing about the obvious. Hearing my line beep. I glanced at my phone and saw that it was Shame calling.

“Speaking of the devil”

Taylor laughed and then said “What?”

“Shame is calling me… let me see what this niggah have to say and I will call you back”

“Ok”

Clicking over, I gathered my thoughts before I spoke into the phone.

“Hello” I said.

“What is this text you sent me all about” Shame asked.

“Oh you don’t know?”

“Know what Yemya, you da one who sent da text so you tell me what it up”

“I’m just fed up Shame… I’m fed up with you. I’m fed up with yo’ hating ass baby mama who can’t move the fuck on with her damn life. I’m fed up with all this shit going around Chatt about you Shame. The shit gets old”

“Yemya, there you go again. Let folks get in yo’ head”

“Yea, yea, yea. I head that shit before… all your coochie promises and all that other shit is out the door”

“Coochie promise?”

“Coochie promises Shame. Promises you make when you are up in some good pussy”

Laughing into the phone I heard him say that I was a trip and that I need to stop playing and stressing over what someone else had said. When Shame and I first met, he seemed so confident and wasn’t too cocky and didn’t front while he was talking to me. I noticed when stopped making eye contact when he spoke to me that something wasn’t right. It just sits in your gut that way. I guess he couldn’t stand the fact that I will look into his soul and read his actions. But some shit a niggah can’t help though when they are guilty. I’ve come to learn that it’s all in the way they act. I even read somewhere once before that if a niggah talks to you but his eyes is elsewhere then that niggah is too timid, weak or devious. With that being said, you can truth them.

“Girl don’t nobody be making no coochie promises…”

“After the phone call that I received from earlier…”

“What phone call!?” Shame asked cutting me off in the middle of my sentence. “Baby, I don’t have nothing to do with no phone call.”

“Of course you don’t Shame, why would you have another female call me discussing what’s going on between the two of you… Look Shame. I know that I said that I won’t ever be too far away. But after ole girl calling my phone; I don’t know where I’m going to be. I know  that I even said that I won’t hesitate at all…” I sighed into the phone. I didn’t know if breaking up would be hardest thing for me to ever do. I don’t know if calling it a break even what I want it to be between us. After all, the feeling isn’t just there like it use to. The love is not even a feeling anymore… it’s more of a thought.

“What you try’na say Yemya?” Shame asked into the phone

“All I’m trying to say is…” I thought about what I wanted to say. What I felt like I need to let Shame hear. As much as my heart wanted to give up and leave well enough alone. My mind said differently. “I just need some time to get my mind right Shame. To think this threw. I’m not saying that it is over or I’m done with you. I’m just saying I need sometime…”

 

April 23rd, 2007

I never thought I’ll come to the end of this shit for real. How can one person not give a damn about anything? And Shame of all people… fuck him right now. I really don’t have shit to say about us at this point. He thought he was slick and had his tricks up his sleeve. But when you are hurt by someone, you can’t help but to hate them. They lose that trust, that respect… that love. Jordon told me about the Angel chick emailing her. Shame was planning to move back to Georgia to be with her. She said they’ve been discussing it for a while now and he even mentioned me. He told her that he loved me and that I was a good woman but his mind and heart was with her. The crazy part about it is that I have yet to tell him that I was three weeks pregnant with his baby… For that matter… no one will know. Between us, there is just so much shit Shame doesn’t “think” I know about. Shit like him betting L.P. that he was going to fuck me. And they betted three months top! Let’s not forget the stories about him having unprotected sex with different females and licking their coochies! And about these chicks named Angel and Jennifer… I done heard the most. That’s why I just can’t do it. I can’t go through the drama and have a baby attached to me along with the drama… I have to do what is best… aborting it.

Yemya

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