Chapter 2 (Lovers Mentality)


“I’m down for whatever, simple as that”


Last night with Shame was amazing. The thought of the connection between our chemistry sent chills down my spine. After all, he is still my boo. Before yesterday occurred, it has been a while since we fucked the way that we did last night. I mean, I’m not saying the sex has been sour, I’m just saying it hasn’t been as good. But something came over me last night. A feeling that made me feel as if I had to prove something to Shame. I had to prove to him that I wanted to make this work. Regardless…

While we were lying in bed together, Shame rolled over on his side. My back was turned towards him and I was on my way into a deep sleep until I felt Shame kissing on my bare shoulder. I turned towards him, feeling the urgency to make love to him once again. Pushing my hair out of my face, Shame leaned in close kissing me intensely… seconds after ending this kiss, he began gazing at me. That was then that I felt that he had something on his mind.

“Love hurts Yemya. If I were to ever lose you, how can I ever love someone who can never replace you? The love wouldn’t da same…”

“Really Shame?” I said as I turned over to face him. “Is that how you feel about me? You love me that much that you can’t love anyone else?” The statement caught me off guard. I knew Shame valued me. It was just his way of showing it and acting it made me have my share of my doubts. Then again… maybe I’m just plain ole foolish…

“Baby… I’m telling you… this is real”

I looked into my man eyes and then our lips met.  Melting under his strokes, I felt Shame trace his hand down my back… cupping my ass. We made love all over again that night.

Awakening the next morning to Shame absent on the other side of the bed; I held my eyes closed to recollect on us making love last night. I didn’t even make it out the house yesterday because we were here fucking like we didn’t have a care in the world.

Reaching over on my nightstand to pick up my ringing phone, reading the caller ID; I answered the phone on the third ring. “Hello.”

“What’s up Mya”

It was my home girl Parys. Parys and I were really cool; she was my silly side of me. We clicked the second that we started kicking it in my hood. Parys was mix with a deep sultry voice. One thing about Parys is that she was always herself. Cool.

“Hey chick, what’s up?” I asked

“Girl, nothing, just got into it with Ray”

“Girl is you serious!”

“I’m good girl, he have his ways. So I just let him have his ways…”

“You know how I am about guys being with the shit Parys. I would rather be by myself than to go through the bullshit that you have to go through with that niggah.” I knew what the phone call was about. Ray and Parys always had their ups and down. The niggah was on some real jealous shit if I must say so myself… But folks can get caught off guard. You think that that person would be the one that you’ve been waiting on… you know that person that you are destined to be with; the one who would take you out of the streets. In most cases, fairytales don’t always end that way. Sorry to kill you dreams boo boo… It’s true. We all know that God has a plan for each of us… I try to keep that in mind.

“You know he got mad and had put me out of his car girl!”

“Bitch! For real!?” I asked. I couldn’t believe the shit. Ray ass put her out of his car. Damn. “Why girl? What happened?”

“I saw an old friend and I spoke to him… so now Ray thinks I’m fucking him Yemya.”

“Girl, if it ain’t one thing then it’s another with ya’ll” I laughed.

“Girl, his jealous ways… He swears I am talking to my Ex… He just doesn’t understand.”

“Men just don’t understand.” I sighed. Thinking about the emptiness I felt now that Shame got his nut and left to go on about his business. “See, Parys I knew that Shame was coming from a rocky relationship and at first it seemed as if we were passed that. Then come to find out, the chick is about to have his baby and he is still going through the motions with her and he wants me to trust him. Then last night, he was telling me how much he loved and needed me and for me to bear with him until he make through his situation with her. Some days I just feel like he is running a game on me. Yet he can be so sincere about everything…”

“Sincere!” Parys said into the phone. “Girl, I’m lucky to even get that from Ray… he make me feel so little.”

“Damn girl… you need to get out and chill honey. Give yourself some fresh air. If you are going to be with that niggah then you deserve some happiness… Don’t you think?” I asked her. I sat up in my bed, ready to go off. I don’t understand most women these days. They can be so hooked on the dick that they don’t do anything about the pain that is being caused by a man with her heart.

“I don’t talk to nobody! I don’t go no where! Hell… I’m barely able to hang on to my friends because of his ass” Parys exclaimed.

I felt her pain… She was in love. Hell, I’m in the same position with Shame. I was in love with someone… who was in love with pussy. “Girl, when you call, don’t I always answer your phone call?”

I heard Parys let out a slight laugh into the phone and said, “Yea girl, EVERY time I call… me hearing your voice mail is rare.”

“See, there you go… you aren’t losing no friends girl. Your real friends gone always be there. It doesn’t matter if ya’ll hear from each other every month. Honey, they will always be there to answer a phone call or reply to text. It may not be on time or right then and there but here me when I say that I got you.” Matter of fact, I got all my girls. I might get caught up in my relationship or what not. But… we are grown. We should be able to understand each other’s situations. At least I do… Some folks catch a fit or tend to act funny if they don’t hear from you… truth be told.

“I know girl… I be noticing that shit too… Folks fall out of your lives like leaves on a tree branch. I can’t believe that shit though. After I had put my heart and time into our relationship… the niggah still feel as if he can’t trust me Mya… don’t you know how much that hurts? But that’s a relationship for you huh…?”

I could hear the pain in my home girl voice. Trust can be a big issue in relationships… without it, how can you expect to have love? People that I have talked to never gave the best advice. I was either the one dishing the opinions to them and telling my stories to my journals. You live and you learn. Am I not right?

“Relationships take a lot of work Parys… I am sure there are going to be some days that are filled with so much hurt and heartache… Trust me. I’m going through my motions myself… confused and not able to outweigh my troubles. But you just have to remember that you have to be yourself girl. Do the good days and outweigh the bad… Don’t give up too soon; I’m trying to face it myself with Shame. At least working it out without questioning it… Take it and learn from it girl. Like they say… what’s done in the dark will come into the light.”

If only I could convince myself to believe that. It seems like it’s always easy to talk to people about their issues than it is to even consider it myself. Yea it sounds good; I’m good at telling it… but me. My comfort was through my writing for me to even realize it myself.

“You always know what to say Mya… for real. You just lifted a little weight up off of my shoulders.”

“I’m just telling you what I think you need to hear love. You know how you want your relationship to go… Just don’t let it go the wrong way.” I giggled. I thought about Shame. I wondered if our relationship will ever go bitter. I thought about me not being a woman and giving up on us; or me being a woman and taking control of my relationship. Is putting effort and trying to keep a cheating man worth it? After getting off the phone with Parys, I pulled out my journal and began to trace over my thoughts.


Wednesday April 18th, 2007

Man, yesterday I saw you I was happy to see you… I mean, it’s been a minute. Then you told me that you weren’t going to fall in love anymore. I still don’t know what you mean by that. I started to ask you but I didn’t want to get my feelings hurt. So my deep thoughts… I kept them to myself. I love it when we can chill together. I swear… it’s like nothing in the world can stop us from enjoying each other. I remember when we first met. We couldn’t stop kissing, touching, texting… hell… even speaking. It’s April and so much has changed since then. My mind is filled with so much negative shit. I know that you lie to me. Especially about that bitch Angel. I guess every bitch you talk to is your best friend…? I guess I am jealous that you call her baby girl. Damnit Shame… I’m hurting because I don’t know what to do without you. I’m confused and I’m mixed with emotions of love. My stomach hurts from the thought of you fucking around on me. At first, I was like… she’s just some chick from North Carolina who you grew up with in Georgia… but damn… this bitch saying shit that me as your ole lady should be saying to you. What’s up with that!?


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