Chapter 3 (Lovers Mentality)

3

“Life is about pushing past its limits”

 

“I hate when my name constantly comes out of a bitch mouth! They don’t even know me!” I yelled into the phone. These hoes are so irrelevant to me. For some reason they are always popping up and out the mouth. Trying to throw salt on my game… Here I am at Marshalls trying to shop in peace and I so happen to get a phone call about some bitch fucking Shame. Bitches got so much to say these days. I swear they do and Shame better believe that he have another one coming.

“Girrrl” Brooke said as she glanced around Marshalls at the other shoppers who heads were now facing my direction. I heard her snicker as she continued to look through a rack full of shirts. “You so loud Yemya, I swear the folks outside even heard you.”

I couldn’t help
but to laugh myself. I didn’t realize how loud I have gotten until Brooke said something. Hell, if she wouldn’t have said anything I would be still going off over the phone all the while forgetting where I was at. Hell, they would have to call the security guards to escort me out this bitch because I was ’38-hot.

“What’s wrong” Brooke asked “What happened?”

Leaning against one of the clothing racks, I told Brooke about my phone conversation that I just had. “

I’m telling you Brooke… these bitches better come correct. All these rumors about Shame fucking these hoes… I don’t know. And I’m still sexing him when I should have been let him go. I don’t know what I’m holding on to…” I sighed. As much as I wanted to try and work things out, I was getting fed up with Shame and the entire he say she say shit. It was still unbelievable to me that Shame was wilding out like that. Creeping on me… Yemya… I swear I’m too badd for him to be cheating I thought. “I know my pussy is good. I don’t have a problem in taking care of my man right? So why is he creeping around…?”

“Girl some niggahs be doing the most. Greg ain’t no better” Brooke said as she pulled a shirt out from the rack than placing it against her chest. “How does this look?”

“It’s cute” I said. “But it’s something that I wouldn’t wear.”

“Well damn hoe, you ain’t got to say it like that” she said with a laugh.

“Well bitch if you quit wearing loud ass colors then just maybe it would be of my taste. Until then, you can keep that shit” I said with a laugh. “Besides, I’m done; I can’t find anything in here anyway.”

“Hell yea, well let me go buy this shirt and we can go. Where you want to go next?” she asked.

“I’m ready to eat and right now my stomach is calling for Famous Daves” I said as I walked towards the checkout line.

“Mane you ain’t lying, I’m sho’ll hungry” Brooke said in her Memphis southern slang.

I know that Shame and I haven’t been the smoothest terms lately, but believe me when I say that for him to be fucking off with some females… I’m sure to get medieval… I know when have only been together for what… about a couple of months. But we are in a “relationship” and he needs to respect what he has and he needs to recognize that he is walking on thin ice. I’m about fed up with this drama shit and call it quits on the whole relationship. I can only take so much… How much more shit is it that women have to go through for a man… Honestly, this drama shit isn’t for me.

“So where you want to eat?” Brooke asked while taking her receipt and change from the cashier’s hand.

Snapping out of my thoughts, I turned towards Brooke. “Famous Daves sounds damn good to me” I said in a jokingly voice.

Is it worth it? Fighting another female over a niggah? I mean what do men get out of that? How can a woman ever trust another man all the while knowing about the shit the past done put her through… Should I end things with Shame… Is my love for him that strong? Is that battle worth the fight? Should I give us a try? How can he treat the woman that’s been down for him since day one so wrong?

So many questions where bottled in my mind; I was anxious to get back home to express those same thoughts in my writing. Walking to Brooke’s car, I pulled out my cell phone and began to text Shame. I was so mad that I had to continuously re-text misspelled words.

I swear I can’t stand u! I’m tired of u & yo’ bitches!!!! I already kno’ yo’ ass is going 2 try to mothafuckin games. Fake ass niggah! I can’t stand yo’ simple ass and I’m tired of folks calling my phone about u and yo’ nonfactor ass bitches Shame!

Pressing send, I closed my flip phone and got in the car. I was ready to eat; I blew off my steam, sat back and chilled in Brooke’s passenger seat.

After eating a fabulous meal platter with rib tips, Brooke and I chatted. Paid our bill and was on our way. After Brooke dropped me off, I slowly climb the stairs of my Dogwood apartment complex, unlocking my door then locking it behind me. I slowly walked into my bedroom switching on the light then peeling off my clothes throwing them onto the floor then climbed into bed.

So what do I think about my relationship as of now? I don’t know… I mean, really… what is the outcome of us? Hell, come to think about it, Shame only calls me when he wants something. It’s either for money, pussy or to use my car. I’m starting to notice that. It always seems to start off with a ‘Baby what you doing’ or an ‘I miss you’. Then he just gets to his point. I never asked him for anything and I bet his ass don’t think about that.

“I don’t understand why you constantly do so much for that niggah and he don’t do shit for you” Andreyia said into the phone.

“I wondered the same thing… I guess it’s out of love” I sighed as I got up from the bed to grab my journal.

“So did he even text you back after you sent him that text?”

“No… the niggah didn’t even bother to call… I don’t know what to do about us Tay”

I don’t know why I’m confiding in friends. For all they care, they believe that I just fall in love and get hooked on dick. That is what keep me satisfied and quiet. Which is another yea, whatever bullshit. But when people have time to think… they think about the simple things and nothing about the obvious. Hearing my line beep. I glanced at my phone and saw that it was Shame calling.

“Speaking of the devil”

Andreyia laughed and then said “What?”

“Shame is calling me… let me see what this niggah have to say and I will call you back”

“Ok”

Clicking over, I gathered my thoughts before I spoke into the phone.

“Hello” I said.

“What is this text you sent me all about” Shame asked.

“Oh you don’t know?”

“Know what Yemya, you da one who sent da text so you tell me what it up”

“I’m just fed up Shame… I’m fed up with you. I’m fed up with yo’ hating ass baby mama who can’t move the fuck on with her damn life. I’m fed up with all this shit going around Chatt about you Shame. The shit gets old”

“Yemya, there you go again. Let folks get in yo’ head”

“Yea, yea, yea. I head that shit before… all your coochie promises and all that other shit is out the door”

“Coochie promise?”

“Coochie promises Shame. Promises you make when you are up in some good pussy”

Laughing into the phone I heard him say that I was a trip and that I need to stop playing and stressing over what someone else had said. When Shame and I first met, he seemed so confident and wasn’t too cocky and didn’t front while he was talking to me. I noticed when stopped making eye contact when he spoke to me that something wasn’t right. It just sits in your gut that way. I guess he couldn’t stand the fact that I will look into his soul and read his actions. But some shit a niggah can’t help though when they are guilty. I’ve come to learn that it’s all in the way they act. I even read somewhere once before that if a niggah talks to you but his eyes is elsewhere then that niggah is too timid, weak or devious. With that being said, you can truth them.

“Girl don’t nobody be making no coochie promises…”

“After the phone call that I received from earlier…”

“What phone call!?” Shame asked cutting me off in the middle of my sentence. “Baby, I don’t have nothing to do with no phone call.”

“Of course you don’t Shame, why would you have another female call me discussing what’s going on between the two of you… Look Shame. I know that I said that I won’t ever be too far away. But after ole girl calling my phone; I don’t know where I’m going to be. I know  that I even said that I won’t hesitate at all…” I sighed into the phone. I didn’t know if breaking up would be hardest thing for me to ever do. I don’t know if calling it a break even what I want it to be between us. After all, the feeling isn’t just there like it use to. The love is not even a feeling anymore… it’s more of a thought.

“What you try’na say Yemya?” Shame asked into the phone

“All I’m trying to say is…” I thought about what I wanted to say. What I felt like I need to let Shame hear. As much as my heart wanted to give up and leave well enough alone. My mind said differently. “I just need some time to get my mind right Shame. To think this threw. I’m not saying that it is over or I’m done with you. I’m just saying I need sometime…”

 

April 23rd, 2007

I never thought I’ll come to the end of this shit for real. How can one person not give a damn about anything? And Shame of all people… fuck him right now. I really don’t have shit to say about us at this point. He thought he was slick and had his tricks up his sleeve. But when you are hurt by someone, you can’t help but to hate them. They lose that trust, that respect… that love. Jordon told me about the Angel chick emailing her. Shame was planning to move back to Georgia to be with her. She said they’ve been discussing it for a while now and he even mentioned me. He told her that he loved me and that I was a good woman but his mind and heart was with her. The crazy part about it is that I have yet to tell him that I was three weeks pregnant with his baby… For that matter… no one will know. Between us, there is just so much shit Shame doesn’t “think” I know about. Shit like him betting L.P. that he was going to fuck me. And they betted three months top! Let’s not forget the stories about him having unprotected sex with different females and licking their coochies! And about these chicks named Angel and Jennifer… I done heard the most. That’s why I just can’t do it. I can’t go through the drama and have a baby attached to me along with the drama… I have to do what is best… aborting it.

Yemya

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