Chapter 4 (A Lovers Mentality)


“Life truest obstacle’s, love, everybody have to go through it”

~Sade Yates


“When my girl came through with the news… All I did was think about me and you like damn. What a chick gotta do to get with a real niggah like mannnn.”

I was singing along to the best female rapper a live Trina “Here We Go Again”. I was cleaning up my apartment bumping one of my favorite artists. In reality, I was trying to keep my mind focus on other things. I didn’t want to think about my options on keeping the baby. For that matter I made up my mind. My best friend Jordan helped me come up with the money and we will be heading to Atlanta tomorrow morning. Honestly, I feel guilty about the whole situation. But I thought things through. I even prayed about it too. But there comes a time when in life, you just have to learn to think about you. With that being said… I am thinking about me.

April 24th, 2007

I cried… I cried and I cried and I cried. I am torn; torn between the questionable truths on love. Questionable on Shame and his plans with this chick named Angel. I don’t know… And when you are really feeling someone, they can make you feel so stupid and at times I still do feel that way. I was going to call it quits. I was going to let him go…


After I was done loading my dishes into my dish washer, I whipped off my grey granite counters then placing the rag over the faucet. Walking into my living room, I breathe in the fresh scent of Pinesole. There is always something about a fresh smelling house. Thirty minutes after I flopped on the couch and was watch BAPS on HBO. My door bell rung. Standing up from the couch, I placed the remote on the nearby coffee table.

“Who is it?” I said as I peeped into the peep hole.

“It’s me, Kenya!”

Glancing through the peep hole, I saw Kenya with a yellow blouse, a pair shorts and her hair pulled back into a pony tail. Opening up the door, I stepped back to let Kenya in.

“What’s up chick” I said, closing the door behind her then locking it.

“Somebody has been doing some spring cleaning” Kenya stated as she walked to my living and sat down on the nearby cream leather sofa.

“Girl” I said sitting across from her. “I’ve just been enjoying these off day’s honey. What’s been up with you?” I asked, sitting back comfortably on the love seat.

“Girl, nothing finally being able to enjoy my off days… What about you? I’m surprised you ain’t boo’d up with Shame.”

“I’m not thinking about Shame neither do I have much to say to him or about him…”

“What!” Kenya said with.

“Like for real Kenya, I’m so fed up with so much of the bullshit. I got bullshit coming from my ears.”

“Girrl what happened?” Kenya asked.

After talking to Kenya and telling her my situation, it upset her to know that my relationship with Shame was falling apart. It was confused and was now regretting my love for him. I was all cried out… I needed that one person who was always there for me… I needed that ear to listen… I needed to call my best friend Andreyia. The phone call didn’t make my situation any better. She even heard that Shame was sleeping with Alicia. My decision was final. I was going to leave Shame. After getting off the phone with Andreyia, we made plans for Jordan, Brooke and she to come to my house to help me cope with my break-up. Andreyia, Jordan and Brooke arrived at my place to help me gather up Shame’s things and put them outside the door for him to come get them. I needed their support and my girls came through for me. Although the pain that I felt was weighing at my heart over lost love, my spirit was up lifted with pure love from my girls. All the while we were all chilling. Jordan and I was preparing for my trip to the A for my appointment with the abortion clinic.

While we were in the middle of a movie, there was a loud knock on my door that caused each of us to jump.


I heard Shame’s voice roar through the door. Jordan, Andreyia and Brooke each got up from the couch and walked over to the door.

“She don’t want shit to do with you Shame!” I heard Andreyia say through the door. “Just get your shit and go. She good!”

“ANDREYIA! You supposed to be my girl!” I heard Shame say from the other side of the door. “You the one hooked us up! How the fuck you gone let some bullshit come between me and Yemya!?”

I was still sitting on the couch, froze in place. Unable to move. Hearing Shame on the other side of the door begging for me to let me him made my heart so weak. I was unsure if I should run to the door and open it. Holding him, kissing him… praying and hoping that this was all a dream. I heard Jordan open up the door without taking the latch off the hook. But my mind was made up. It was made up on him, on us and the baby. I have to be woman enough to let Shame know that.

“Look Shame, just give her time. Why don’t you just go back to TaTa spot and chill out. Get your mind right.”

I got up from the couch and walked to the door.

“I got this ya’ll” I said as I took the latch off the door to open the door.

“Boo…” Brooke said as she stood out the way to give me space to open the door. Stepping in the in the hall. I closed the door behind me and crossed my arms in front of my chest.

“What’s this Yemya?” Shame asked looking at the garbage bags filled with his things sitting in front of my door.

“You know what it is Shame… I just can’t…”

“You fuck’n somebody else?” Shame accused.

“What?… Shame who do you think I am!? You the one who is doing all the fucking! I said as I rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth.

“What’s up wit my shit sittin outside yo’ house Mya? You breakin up with me?”

Not being able to answer his question, I looked down at the bags those we through outside my door. How can I look at him and say that it was over. How can a person make something like breaking up so easy for a person to do when you love them so much?

“That’s crazy” Shame said, noticing my hesitance to answering his question. “I just can believe that you got sucked into this bullshit Mya. When half of it is lies.”

“Half Shame? Do you know that makes you sound! Hell, you may as well said all if…”

“Are you through wit me Mya? You through wit us?

As much as I wanted to say yes… I couldn’t. I couldn’t let other females and the bullshit when this relationship over. “Naa Shame… I’m not done with us… But I need my space Shame. I need to put this relationship into perspective.”

“Aiight. I do tell you the truth Yemya. I just want you to be down for me as much as I am down for you” Shame said as he stepped grabbing his bags. He then kissed me on my cheek and walked off without looking back.

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