“I’m convinced that I’m looking past you”


“I’m convinced that I’m looking past you”


                        Pulling up to the Dillard’s parking lot, I stepped out of my black Chevy Impala sporting well-manicured hands and cute pedicure toes. Hitting the lock button, I walked up the street in my white cheerleader skirt with a pink halter tops and pink Old Navy flip flops. Stopping to look both ways, I proceeded across the street stepping into the cool air of Dillard’s department store. Feeling my phone vibrate, I reached into my tan and brown coach bag to retrieve it.

            “Hello” I said as I walked towards the escalator to the second floor.

“What’s up chick!” Jordan said into the phone.

            “Hey Jay, what up? I’m at the mall just looking. What you up to?” I asked as I walked towards The Body Shop.

            “Nothing girl, you heard from Kenya?” she probed.

“Na, I haven’t spoken to her. Why what’s up?

            “Just asking, my sister has been M.I.A and I haven’t heard from her that’s all.”

“Awe, girl naaa, I haven’t spoken to her.

            “Oh ok, how are things going with you and Shame?”

“Shame… well everyone know that Shame is going to always be Shame.”

            “That’s if you let Shame be Shame girl—-“ she bluntly stated.

“Well—, I’m done with Shame anyway…” I sighed into the phone.

            “Are you? Or are you just trying to convince yourself that you are” She asked.

Walking into The Body Shop, I walked towards my right to look at the rack of shirts.

            “Hello, how are you doing today? Can I help you with something?” the young sales associate asked.

            I turned in the direction where she was standing “Ummm no, no thank you. I’m just looking right now” I stated with a smile on my face. Turning back towards the rack of shirts begin to look through them for a choice of style. “You are right I am trying to convince myself in more ways to name than one.” I said. Turning my conversation back to Jordan

            “Well, convincing yourself that you don’t want the man and convincing yourself to sleep with him are two different things Yemya. Feelings can get involved during sex booboo…”

            “Look, I have been having myself a little me time.” I stated convincingly “a little time away from Shame.”

            “Yea right.” Jordan laughed into the phone. “When was the last time you were with that niggah?”

            “Well… honestly the other night. But you know girrrrrl… somethings you just can’t help. Besides he was just a little last moment rush that I need it.”

            “Rush? Girl, what rush do you get knowing that your man is going back to other females giving them that very same rush.” She laughed into the phone.

            As much as I didn’t want to admit it; Jordan makes me sick sometimes. She has always seem like the witch between Kenya and her. They are totally opposites. Jordan was the player type. She was always to give up a fair game with a fair play. Her ways were slick and she was smoother than any snake. Yet she was cool. Even though her ways and values were different from mines; I respected her realness. She has never tried that fake shit on me as far as I’m concerned. Just like Shame, Jordan was always going to be slick ass Jordan. Point. Blank. Period.  When you see people backstab and gossip about the next person then be in their face. Then honey, you are a victim of that person evil tongue. They are talkin about you too. So yea, Jay is that type of female and I’m coming to learn that day by day. With her nosey ass.

            “Look Jay, I’m just chilling. I’m reflecting on myself and backtracking on a lot of missed steps…”

            “I feel you. I was just saying—”

“No, I was just saying is let me deal with Shame. Okay. You are cool and all but can’t no one place judgment on me and what’s going on in my relationship Jay. For real. Settle down with someone and I’m a sure you learn about that.”

            “People make promises that they know that they can’t keep Yemya. Why you keep letting this niggah disappoint you?”

            “Look Jordan! Sweetie, you do not know what goes on between Shame and me. I know he falls short on a lot of shit, but he is a learning man. That’s don’t mean I tolerate it!”

            Yes, I was getting furious. I know the type of person Jordan is. And no, we have never talked or kicked it like that. She is as conniving as the next bitch. But she is my half-sister; sister. On top of that I don’t want to cause any bad blood between the two of us; putting Kenya in the position of having to choose between us two is not my cup of tea. Dealing with Jay though… sometimes you have to knock her back in her place. For some reason, the chick feels as if she knows everything only because she is a few years older. Which is something that I find very funny.

            “Ooh so that’s how you feel? Look you didn’t have to get hostile; I was just trying to tell you what’s up with your niggah”

            “Hell you don’t think I don’t know what’s up with my niggah Jay? Like I said dude… let meeee be the one to handle that. Not you… this conversation is over with braaaa” I said hanging up in her face.

            Damn so I was deep into letting Jordan get under my skin that I forgot where I was at. Snapping back into reality, I looked around wondering if I was loud enough for others to hear my phone conversation. After a once over look of no one paying attention, I continued to roam throughout the store for another fifteen minutes; then walking out without making a purchase.


            This is a reflection of me. It’s me saying out with old and in with the new. I’ve convinced myself through so many things in my life from meeting niggahs who were not about shit… and the bumpy roads of love and lust. I’ve come to realize that I have to become stronger than what I think my strength amounts to. The strength is to look past the shit a man will put you through. I was willing to deal with Shame. But I am at the point where I am fed up with all the bullshit pulling and tugging on me. I am at the point where I am able to convince myself to look past any damn thing; I’m learning that my mind is stronger than my heart. I’m always giving a damn about everyone else priorities that I am forgetting about mines.

            Although I didn’t like what Jordan was saying, part of me felt bad for hanging up in her face. She was only telling the truth… something I didn’t like hearing. But I meant it when I told her that I didn’t need her to worry about how I do me. I know she was only concerned… in a way; but the heifer is as nosey as she wants to be. So telling, venting to her and telling her my business is out of the equation.

Leave a comment

1 Comment


     /  July 21, 2012



Thank You For Your Comment :^):

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: