“If I could go on my way without you… where would I go?

9

“If I could go on my way without you… where would I go?

 I’ll always… come back to you”- Trina

 

Dear Mya,

      I am so sad that you are leaving; but I know that you are going to do something wonderful with your life. When I first met you, I know that we didn’t like each other. Now we are like best friends. You are such a great person! You are smart, you are funny just like me lol! I am happy that we are friends and I hope that we will remain as friends. You are like a big sister— and I really do hope your life brings you much happiness…

      Love

Brittany Daniels

     

      While packing my life away, I came across a letter from an old school mate. Although my day is starting to pop off as a refined woman.  I am starting to feel good about myself. I haven’t heard from Shame in the past few days. As much as I wanted to let it bother me, I force him out of mind; yet at the same time I always end up checking my phone every so often just to see if my ringer was on— wanting him to call. Still, the niggah never called and I have realized that I just had to let that shit go.

            Waking up this morning, I was in the mood to do a little spring cleaning. Even though I had packed Shame shit and had put him out a couple of weeks ago, somehow is shit always ended back here? I guess you can say that I am the type who just has to continuously play with fire until I finally get burnt. I guess that is how I ended up being dangerously in love with a niggah who is only benefiting me in one way and that’s sexually.

            At times, I get this feeling that in between our conversations, there is always something on Shame’s mind that he doesn’t tell me. When new pussy comes into the picture, there is a chance that it made his ways change. At least that’s what I think. Every time Shame is out cheating or interacting with another bitch the niggah only have to words to say and two minutes to spare. Which is some shit.

            As of now, I cleaned up my whole apartment… scrubbing and spraying, spraying and scrubbing… listening to some Mary J. Blidge Not Gon’ Cry. Yea, I was in one of those moods. I have done enough worrying and I’ve done enough thinking to the point that I have built enough courage to put my foot down. I was going to call Shame. I was officially sick of this shit.

            Walking down the hall to my bedroom; I reached across the bed to grab my phone, preparing myself for my conversation with Shame. I scrolled down the call list and located Shame’s number. Walking back towards my living room, I sat down on my sofa propping my feet up.

            After pressing call, I held the phone up to my ear— still contemplating on if this was a good decision. Hearing the phone ring on the other end, I thought about hanging up… until he answered.

            “What’s up boo!” Shame answer into the phone with much enthusiasm.

“You tell me Shame… hell you seem to have hopped back on the pussy train and forgot which damn stop was home huh?”

            “Hold on baby… it’s a lil loud in here. I can barely hear you” I heard Shame say into the phone as he walk outside so he was able to talk, I leaned back preparing myself for yet another lie. “What’s up Yemya? What’s the problem now?”

            “Shit Shame, you the one who keeps coming and going when you please. Like this is a fucking 24 hour Fed Ex package drop-off. Shame I don’t know what—“

            “What is what Yemya?” Shame asked, cutting me off from my statement.

“Shame… don’t act brand new. I haven’t heard from you in days. I’m your damn girlfriend and you don’t respect me enough to even call me.”

            “I be busy Mya…” he said sighing into the phone.

“Busy Shame?” I laughed as tears rolled down my eyes. “I see how busy you are niggah. Matter of fact— stay busy! I rather have someone loyal in my schedule anyway!”

            “Straight like dat Mya… dat’s how you feel?”

“Shame… I’m starting to think that you are seeing other bitches! How am I supposed to feel when the niggah I love don’t call or come by like he use to?”

            “Is this what this phone call is about Mya? Some bullshit that you hear just cause a niggah ain’t called you!?”

            “NO SHAME!” I said raising my voice. “I know you are fucking around Shame… I know it! I can even tell it in the vibe… when you are with me. Your mind is somewhere else… I don’t know what it is… If it’s me I apologize. I just can’t keep dealing with us like everything is okay when it is not.”

            After a few seconds of silence; I heard Shame breathe into the phone. “Baby… it’s not you. I just need a lil time to get my mind right… dats why I haven’t been hitting you up. I just have a lot on my mind and my kid is due any day now. I’m just worried about a lot of stuff and really—-“

            “Reeaally Shame? You use that as an excuse when I told you that we should be able to talk to each other about anything. You want use your unborn as an excuse because you ain’t man enough to admit to your wrong doings or admit that you still want to be with your baby’s mother? If you can’t keep it real with me Shame… then…”

            “Mya, you know I love you. I just needed a lil time to get my thoughts together. I don’t even know if I’m going to be a good dad… I need to go back to school… I need to get my life together baby… and at the same time… I don’t want to hurt you.”

            “Shame, what you fail to realize is you are not being man enough to come to me… that’s how you are hurting me. Have you ever thought about that…?”

            “…Can we talk about this later Yemya?”

“I don’t know if there will be a later Shame… I have waited long enough … don’t you think? I deserve respect Shame. Respect!”

            “Bay— let me just call you back in thirty minutes and I swear that we can talk about anything and everything— just let a niggah go ahead and hit this lick… aiight…?” He asked.

            “Aiight Shame… we’ll see” I said hanging up the phone not caring if he was done with our conversation or what. As far as I was concerned he chose to put me second… our problems second… and everything else first. I was nearing my breaking point.

—–

            So much has happened within the past few weeks and I was getting sick of the on and off shit with Shame. My cousin asked me if I was going out tonight for a double date that she had planned. In which I had totally forgot. My mind has been so concerned with Shame that everything else that really mattered was really out of the door. As much as I wanted too; I couldn’t agree to go. For the simple fact that I didn’t have a date and asking Shame was out of the question. My pride wouldn’t let me chase after him any longer.  As much as thought about asking him… my pride felt different. Part of me was officially over Shame. Over his excuses… over us. Yet the other half was wanting to reach out for him— but when I look at what’s on the other end to pick me up if I fall… I can never picture Shame being that person.

            “You know you need to break up with Shame, Mya… if you don’t realize that now… then when are you going to ever realize it?” Tammy stated as we walked inside of her apartment out in Hixon.

            “Umm… where’s the kids?” I inquired— looking around Tammy’s humble home attempting to avoid the discussion.

“Girllll, I had to get rid of them for a while… Taking care of three kids is like another job.” She stated as she sat the groceries on the nearby counter. “So” she said turning attention towards me. “Is he the reason why you don’t want to go out on the town with us anymore?”

            Walking out of her kitchen, I sat down on the nearby chocolate brown leather love seat in her living room; slipping off my shoes to make myself more comfortable.  I exhaled deeply “Tammy— I just don’t know what to do about Shame. I mean… what I mean by that is that I do. But at the same time… I don’t.”

            “Well I’m going to put it like this… as clean as possible” I heard her say from the kitchen while she remove the groceries from the bag and put them away. At the same time, I was thinking ‘Here we go again’… “Shame… Shame is still sleeping with my friend… his baby mama— Mya… she tells me all about it and you have the right to know. Not because you are my cousin but because I don’t want you to get so deep in love over Shame when he don’t deserve an ounce of love from you!”

            “So is that what you believe?” I asked.

            “I don’t put anything past Shame. I believe that he be over there and I believe that he be telling her that he wants to be back with her. I mean, that’s that baby daddy love— all of a sudden the niggah wants to be a family.”

            Honestly… I didn’t have much to say about Shame’s affair with his baby mama. As far as I was concerned, I had already figured that out. Tammy when on saying what her friend Kiara tells her. I was done hearing the gossip and about Shame being over Kiara’s house all times of the night when he should be with me.

            While Tammy went on talking about Shame’s affair with Kiara; I tuned out her voice allowing my mind to race back to my thoughts. Should I be mad? As much as I wanted to approach Shame about the shit… I didn’t have the vitality to even try confronting him and then listening to his dishonesties.

            “When I see him, I am going to curse him out Mya… he has you fucked up”

“Tammy— as many times as I had cursed Shame out… what good has it done for me” I asked feeling a bit annoyed.

            Noticing my mood and the change in the vibe; Tammy walked into her living room with her hands covered in flower. “Look Love. I’m just looking out for you. If you want Kiara’s number then you are more than welcome to have it just so you can ask her.”

            “Na… I’m good. I’m not the type to harass or call up the next bitch about my niggah. Besides… as far as I’m concerned Kiara don’t even like me because of Shame. Ain’t shit popping off but ana over some dick? On top of that how do you know the chick ain’t lying…”

            “You don’t have to get hostile Mya. I was just looking out for you…” She stated as she walked back into the kitchen so that she can finish preparing supper before her kids arrived home.

            “Yeaaa and I’m slowly learning that those who think they are looking out for me— sometimes are not always right or out for my best interest…” I mumbled to myself under my breath.

—–

            After arriving to my apartment and settling in. I laid across my bed in deep thought. I texted Omari to let him know that we needed to talk. After bathing, I walked to my phone notcincing that it was flashing due to a miss call. The call was from Shame.

            “What’s up bay, I was just thinkin’ bout ya… was wonderin if I could come through to see you. I saw that you had texted Omari… telling him that you needed to talk. Well… I’m your man. I’m free. Call me back and we can talk. Love ya.”

            Hours after missing Shame’s call, I decided to call him back. I wasn’t for sure if he was anticipating my call— or was like fuck it… on to the next.

.

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1 Comment

  1. RAYMOND D. HUNTER

     /  July 21, 2012

    I LIKE IT

    Reply

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