“Life truest obstacle’s, love, everybody have to go through it”

4

“Life truest obstacle’s, love, everybody have to go through it”

~Sade Yates

 

            “When my girl came through with the news… All I did was think about me and you like damn. What a chick gotta do to get with a real niggah like mannnn.”

            I was singing along to the best female rapper a live Trina “Here We Go Again”. I was cleaning up my apartment bumping one of my favorite artists. In reality, I was trying to keep my mind focus on other things. I didn’t want to think about my options on keeping the baby. For that matter I made up my mind. My sister Kenya helped me come up with the money and we will be heading to Atlanta tomorrow morning. Honestly, I feel guilty about the whole situation. But I thought things through. I even prayed about it too. But there comes a time when in life, you just have to learn to think about you. With that being said… I am thinking about me.

 

April 24th, 2007

      I cried… I cried and I cried and I cried. I am torn; torn between the questionable truths on love. Questionable on Shame and his plans with this chick named Angel. I don’t know… And when you are really feeling someone, they can make you feel so stupid and at times I still do feel that way. I was going to call it quits. I was going to let him go…

     

      After I was done loading my dishes into my dish washer, I wiped off my grey granite counters then placing the rag over the faucet. Walking into my living room, I breathe in the fresh scent of Pinesole. There is always something about a fresh smelling house. Thirty minutes after I flopped on the couch and was watching BAPS on HBO. My door bell rung. Standing up from the couch, I placed the remote on the nearby coffee table.

“Who is it?” I said as I peeped into the peep hole.

      “It’s me, Kenya!”

Glancing through the peep hole, I saw Kenya with a yellow blouse, a pair shorts and her hair pulled back into a pony tail. Opening up the door, I stepped back to let her in.

            “What’s up chick” I said, closing the door behind her then locking it.

“Somebody has been doing some spring cleaning” Kenya stated as she walked to my living room and sat down on the nearby cream leather sofa.

      “Girl” I said sitting across from her. “I’ve just been enjoying these off day’s honey. What’s been up with you?” I asked, sitting back comfortably on the love seat.

      “Girl, nothing finally being able to enjoy my off days… What about you? I’m surprised you ain’t boo’ed up with Shame.”

      “I’m not thinking about Shame neither do I have much to say to him or about him…”

“What!” Kenya said with excitement.

      “Like for real Kenya, I’m so fed up with so much of the bullshit. I got bullshit coming from my ears.”

      “Girrl what happened?” Kenya asked.

      After talking to Kenya and telling her my situation, it upset her to know that my relationship with Shame was falling apart. I was confused and was now regretting my love for him. I was all cried out… I needed that one person who was always there for me… I needed that ear to listen… I needed to call my best friend Andreyia. The phone call didn’t make my situation any better. She even heard that Shame was sleeping with Alicia. My decision was final. I was going to leave Shame. After getting off the phone with Andreyia, we made plans for Brooke and her to come to my house to help me cope with my break-up. The girls arrived at my place in only minutes apart to help me gather up Shame’s things and put them outside the door for him to come get them. I needed their support and my girls came through for me. Although the pain that I felt was weighing at my heart over lost love, my spirit was up lifted with pure love from my girls. All the while we were all chilling. Kenya and I were preparing for my trip to the A for my appointment with the abortion clinic.

            My plan was to just keep it a secret without letting anyone know of the situation. Not even Andreyia, who is my best friend. I knew just by telling her about my being pregnant and my plan to abort it, she would try to talk me out of it. She wouldn’t understand why my decision was the choice that I’ve made…

            “So when were you going to tell her?”

Looking at Kenya as she sat across my bed, I sighed and sat down right beside her. “I’m not going to tell no one, not Andreyia, not my mom… not even Shame. I don’t want to even go through the motions of upsetting the world around me. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if I should have told you…”

            “Look Yemya, if anything, I respect your decision because you are a grown woman. You’re my sister, I’m not here to judge you or talk bad to you about your choices. That is God’s place to do that. I am here to support you.” Kenya said as she grabbed my hand.

            “Ya’ll need to come on, we are about to start Waiting to Exhale, the popcorn is ready, the wine is chilled and I’m ready to relax.” Andreyia said as she walked into my bedroom. Looking at Kenya and me, she said “What’s up with ya’ll?”

            “Girl nothing just sitting here catching a break” Kenya said before I had a chance to respond.

            Looking at me to see any sign of truth, Andreyia then walked out the room stating that she and Brooke were ready to watch the movie.

      While we were in the middle of a movie, there was loud knock on my door that caused each of us to jump.

“YEMYA!”

            I heard Shame’s voice roar through the door. Kenya, Andreyia and Brooke each got up from the couch and walked over to the door.

            “She don’t want shit to do with you Shame!” I heard Andreyia say through the door. “Just get your shit and go. She good!”

            “ANDREYIA! You supposed to be my girl!” I heard Shame say from the other side of the door. “You the one hooked us up! How the fuck you gone let some bullshit come between me and Yemya!?”

            I was still sitting on the couch, froze in place; unable to move. Hearing Shame on the other side of the door pleading for me to let him in made my heart so weak. I was uncertain if I should run to the door and open it. I imagined myself holding him, kissing him… praying and hoping that this was all a dream. I heard Kenya open up the door without taking the latch off the hook to speak to Shame. But my mind was made up. It was made up on him, on us and the baby. I have to be woman enough to let Shame know that.

            “Look Shame, just give her time. Why don’t you just go back to Torrez spot and chill out. Get your mind right.”

            I got up from the couch and walked to the door.

“I got this ya’ll” I said as I took the latch off the door so that I was able to walk out.

            “Boo…” Brooke said as she stood out the way to give me space to open the door. Stepping in the in the hall. I closed the door behind me and crossed my arms in front of my chest.

            “What’s this Yemya?” Shame asked looking at the garbage bags filled with his things sitting in front of my door.

            “You know what it is Shame… I just can’t…”

“You fuck’n somebody else?” Shame accused.

            “What?… Shame who do you think I am!? You the one who is doing all the fucking! I said as I rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth.

            “What’s up wit my shit sittin outside yo’ house Mya? You breakin up with me?”

Not being able to answer his question, I looked down at the bags that we have placed outside of my door. How can I look at him and say that it was over. How can a person make something like breaking up so easy for a person to do when you love them so much?

            “That’s crazy” Shame said, noticing my hesitance to answering his question. “I just can believe that you got sucked into this bullshit Mya. When half of it is lies.”

            “Half Shame? Do you know how that makes you sound! Hell, you may as well said all if…”

“Are you through wit me Mya? You through wit us?” Shame asked throwing his hands up in the air.

            As much as I wanted to say yes… I couldn’t. I couldn’t let other females and the bullshit win this relationship over. Standing with only a foot of space between us; I looked at Shames 5’9 frame standing over my 5’3. “Naa Shame… I’m not done with us… But I need my space baby. I need to put this relationship into perspective.” I said as I looked into his pleading eyes.

            “Aiight. I do tell you the truth Yemya. I just want you to be down for me just as much as I am down for you” Shame said as he stepped back grabbing his bags. He then kissed me on my cheek and walked off without looking back.

            Standing there with my arms crossed across my chest, I looked at Shame as he left with his bags in his hands. I wonder if I should call after him… I thought about running to him… asking him to forget what just happen and for us to move on. But I didn’t… I didn’t have the will to move my feet, the voice to even speak up as a woman. I just looked at him, my first love as he left me standing here looking stupid. Turning, I walked back inside my apartment closing the door behind me. I stood with my back against the door, exhaling the breath that I was holding… not realizing that me not calling after him would be the down fall of this relationship.

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