Chapter 10


“Wish that I can press rewind to take away the pain”


            I don’t know what has gotten into me. I haven’t heard from Shame and chose not to answer any phone calls or reply back to any text messages. I can’t say that the vibe that I was feeling was a depressed feeling. I was far from depressed, just deep in thought. I know a lot of females have teary, sleepless nights after a break up. I can understand why. As women we tend to get hook on something to the point where we feel as if we can’t live without a certain someone. I was upset at Shame, upset about us… upset that our relationship has come to an end. But— I can cope with the situation. As far as me hating the fact that we ended the way we did. I’m slowly coming to terms to understanding why. Shame has been bouncing back and forth for the past five months. I guess that is why I gave up the decision to abort my baby; in which I have yet to tell Shame and wasn’t for sure if I ever will.

            I know I can get a bitchy attitude. Give me reason to have one and trust my actions will speak louder than words. Although I felt bad about accusing Shame— it just made me feel better to know that I was hurting without him and that he wasn’t around to see my pain. Love in some shape, form or fashion can hurt like hell. Depending on how hard you love. It took for us to break up for me to even realize that as much as I loved Shame. I wasn’t in love with him. As much as I was mad, cursing him out and putting him out— it helped me up hold my walls of resentment causing me to gain more strength. As much as I didn’t want to blame Shame about us breaking up; I have come to terms that I didn’t want to let him go… us go. I loved him just that much to where it was killing me in some way. I tried so hard to let things go between Shame and I. I even relied on mutual attention from other niggahs.

            While lying in my bed contemplating, I heard my front door open and shut. Wondering who could be? Hoping that it was Shame; I heard a set of keys being put on a nearby table. “Mya!” I heard voice trailing throughout my apartment. It was my sister Kenya. I wonder what the hell she want? Turning over, I covered my head and with my pillow, closing my eyes as if I were sleep. “MYA” I heard her say again. “I know yo’ ass is in here heifa!” She said as I heard her come near my bedroom door, turning the knob. “Mya! Get your ass up!” Kenya said as she walked into my bedroom pulling the sheets from over my body. “Get up Mya. Everyone been trying to get in touch with you! Even your mama thinks something has happened to you.” Kenya said as she continued to agitate me.

            “Ugh! Kenya— let me be! Daaaang” I said kicking away Kenya hands as she continuously tried to reach for my feet so that she can tickle them.

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