“A Lovers’ Mentality”— ALL OR NOTHING

  

A Lover’s Mentality

All or Nothing

This book is dedicated to my girls & guy who were a blessing my life. I Love ya’ll soooo much:

Danielle “Donnie” Taylor (My Best friend): The mother of my god-daughter. You are truly an angel. You’ve known me the longest (10 years!) and stood as one my of strongest ribs that God has blessed me with. We had our terrible times and went days without speaking. In spite of it all, we have always shared a good conversation and crazy moments that we have had over the years. Thanks you for your friendship and your wisdom love.

Cornelous ”Ne-Ne” Lathan (Best friend): I know we have gotten older over the years and I know we have people apart of our lives now. I’m happy to say that it has never changed the person that you are to me. We may not talk everyday like we use to do in High school, but with me knowing you and you bringing such motivation into my life lets me know that I still have a friend in you as well as me in you. Regardless. Thank you Big Baby :^) P.S— I still owe you $50 lol!

Brittany “Bee-Bee” Bynum aka my Jizzle lol! (Bestfriend): Girl you are going to be the death of me! LOL I love you chick! You and your crazy ways. You are like a little sister to me and I have always wanted what was best for YOU. Even if talking to you never worked and you never got it. I prayed that someday that you will learn. And you did. I just wish you’d realize that you can ALWAYS come to me for anything. If the Lord is willing, I will always be there… through your ups and downs boo boo your big sister got you.

Marquita ”Quita” Gordon (sister): GIRL! We came from nothing to something. It’s how one minute we talking about fighting to the next becoming good friends. When nobody, I mean nobody was there for either of us lol we had each other. Crazy as it seems. After that the b.s. we matured as women. We have grown as women and I love you like none other. I am going to always have your back love. I believe and everything that you are honey— you just have to get up & get it. Therefore we are hitting the road this summer & taking trips!!!! P.S— Keep your head up girl and remember “No one can be against you if God is for you.”

                A Lovers Mentality is a story based upon a young woman who goes through different life stages to mature as a woman. During her first relationship with her first love, Shame; Yemya encounters many indecisive decisions about love and friendship. All the while going through the difficulties of continuing on an emotional roller coaster with Shame; Yemya comes across Hustle.

                Hustle being from another city comes into Yemya life not only to change it but to influence her mind as well. Hustle’s ambition …. (to be continued)

  Friendship, relationships, life… bullshit! All of it so can be damn stressful; but shit someone has to go through it… why not let it be me…. Everything happens for a reason right? That’s what they say. Why to me? Why so many ups and downs and so many trials and tribulations. I mean shit… is it worth the struggle? Between Shame and I, shit has been chaotic! I mean, seriously. Life with me is something to talk about. I didn’t kill anyone; I didn’t rob anything or I wasn’t addicted to any drug. I loved, I learned and I lived. I must admit I do have my flaws and misunderstandings. But I can only be me… I’m about lies, secrets, pain, honesty and some other shit boxed up into one fucked personality. But at the end of the day, I will always have a story to tell.

        From meeting Shame, love for me has become tainted, from then on… Love to me has become a lesson. What I meant by that is that love to me is an obstacle, a journey… a feeling. I have found and lost love many times. At least that is what I think. I have come to realize that as a child growing up… it was only puppy love. I have told story after, after story, after story until I came to the conclusion that this is what my life is based upon. Something you, you, and you can relate to. Something he, she and they can actually think about. That is only in my opinion. Something maybe of your interest and with me being able to tell you, my audience about Yemya LaShay Smith flaws and all.

        Let me introduce you to my inside outs and twisted ways in search of love. About my deepest and darkest secrets; about my thoughts and feelings on love and the shit I had to go through only to have never gotten it. My chapters of my life are what they are; pages combined into one story after another. Of course, who wouldn’t want to know what goes on behind closed doors? We all have skeletons in our closet right? After all, this is what you have been waiting for… isn’t it?

                                                        Yemya L. Smith

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prologue

                For one Yemya, you don’t have to be sorry that you love Shame. That’s good that you are happy if anything… I want you to be happy. And for two, I am not jealous of you, not to be downing you or whatnot, but I don’t have nothing to be jealous of. And I am glad you are backing your man up one-hundred percent… that’s what you are supposed to do, but damn, just because this niggah done whispered sweet words in your ear and dicked you down don’t forget about the ones that’s been there before him! But like you said… you are a grown woman… So get your grown woman on! :^)

        I guess all most women need in this world is a man anyway, well at least in your case! And for you to say I’ll understand when I find the right one. Well trust me boo… I did. I just took it for granted and not once did I put him before you, my sis, or any other loved one. And that’s the same way it was with me and S.O.P. He’ll do for his niggahs before he would do for me. And I understand that shit ‘cause that’s how I WAS about you. Until I start to peep game. But I can’t even blame you though ‘cause you been boy crazy and always did for niggahs since I’ve known you… So I should have expected this shit.

        As I sit here and look back on what everybody use to say, I gotta give them their props. They were right! I don’t have no best friends but Frankie and Taylor. They are the only ones I can really say that I know who won’t turn her back on me… no matter what the situation is. Mekia always said “You and Yemya ain’t gone last.” Now you can say that I didn’t listen. My aunt always said that “You don’t have friends; you only have your family and associates”… Once again… I didn’t listen.

        I had to find out the hardest way ever! When I was up all night crying for six nights in a row over a niggah… You! My best friend was nowhere to be found. When I did call you, you either didn’t answer or was just too busy to answer. But I was there for you… Every time you fell in love and gotten hurt. But Frankie and Taylor got me through it. Frankie would even wake up at like four in the morning just to try to get me to sleep on a school night! But fuck that ‘cause it’s old and done with now. She tried to tell me all I have is her and my sister but I thought I had you too until I read your letter.

        Even though I knew your man came first, I was still willing to be second just ‘cause you were my girl. Man… in my eyes… you were my sister. I’m like… it’s just a phase; you haven’t been in love for a couple of months so I’m sure it feels good to have that feeling again. But I mean damn, I can only take so much before I realize that I’m the ass here and that I am the only one being a best friend ‘cause you sure as hell wasn’t! I don’t give a damn how in love you are or even if you think that ya’ll are going to last forever. Mya, I’m not doubting your relationship and trust me… I do wish the best for ya’ll. But when this niggah is going to do you wrong or when you get your head out of the damn clouds; you will realize that putting that niggah first… that shit ain’t right.

        But like everybody is telling me… “She gone need you one day.” And like I tell them… I may be crazy but I will always be there. Why? That shit I don’t even know myself. I’m not saying we should completely stop talking… but Shame can play the “best friend” role, I’ll pass. I can just be your girl or something…

                                    Love ya,

                                          Andreyia

 

After reading over Andreyia’s letter I didn’t even know if shedding a tear would be worth it. I valued our friendship… and really hated the fact that it was losing its connection over a relationship. Like any other person, I have my flaws… and one of those flaws is not being able to balance the people I love. Being in love with a man in a way has become my down fall… Although I have always had my friends, I was losing them over my relationship… Or were my friends losing me over my relationship? More importantly, I was losing something that was a part of me and have yet to realize it. I just didn’t know that a relationship can affect everyone around you including me. I was in love… and love was my mindset. Without it, I felt useless whether it was from my family, my friends or my man. I needed to feel loved and losing one love just kept me bottled in. Andreyia is my best friend… How can I satisfy a friendship and please my man with them understanding… it all became a learning process for me… it all became a lover’s mentality…

1

“From day one, you knew that I wasn’t expecting to be in this position I am in this very day… with you”

 

         

Wat up babe, I’m thinkn ‘bout cha!

            Was the text message that I just read from my phone. So much has been a part of my life since I have met Shame. Meeting him has impacted my life to a world of unknown lust. Last night, Shame had announced to me that he has decided to move back to Georgia. When I heard that, my mouth dropped. All of a sudden this niggah wants to up and move to Georgia without giving it a thought about how I would feel. I had to tell myself to calm down and think about the situation that he was in. Jobless, living with his family, no GED or college education, saggy jeans and dreads and the dance moves that would make a chick knees weak.

            Shame and I have been together for only six months and regardless of his struggle, his love has brought so much joy into my life. Everything was going good between the both of us… But I know that he have to do what was best for him which is why I couldn’t do anything but to understand. As much as I am skeptical about his decision; I agreed that I will support him in anyway. Therefore… it is what it is. Or is it?

            A couple of days ago, I discovered that he was talking to some girl named Angel who was from Savannah. I did in fact hit him up questioning him about the broad. As always, Shame made up a lie saying Angel was his old class mate back in grade school. But it was cool. The chick was in Georgia for all cared; so of course it’s nothing going on between them but phone and internet conversations. Is this technically considered cheating? Whelp in my eyes this is only strike one, two more strikes and I’m done with that ass. At least I think I will be…

            Looking over the text I then glanced at the time. Shaking my head, I realized it was one in the morning. I have not heard from Shame all day and now he wants to text me saying that he was thinking about me. Which was rather funny if you ask me; I only received this one text message from Shame which trips me out. Truth be told, I wasn’t really expecting to hear from him. Only because the time flown by without my giving a damn if he did or didn’t hit me up. That was how I felt at the time. Right now… well I missed him and it slick pissed me off that whenever I received a message it was never from him. ALL DAMN DAY! Now all of sudden the niggah have time to hit me up.

            As much as I didn’t want to admit it, I knew he was cheating. The signs if his attitude and ways wasn’t blind beyond my almond shaped grey eyes. I know Shame love me and I couldn’t wait to tell him that I was carrying his baby. The sidelines are irrelevant… At least I want them to be. As much as I want to tell Shame about the baby, I wasn’t ready yet. I want to give it a thought over before I bring the news to him. He already had a baby that would be due in June… so how much can a niggah hold on his back?

            Thirty minutes into me going back to sleep, I rolled over to answer my ringing cellphone which was lying right next to my ear. “Hello” I answered rolling over on my side placing the phone under the right side of my face so that I wouldn’t have to hold it.

            “What’s up love?” I heard a male say voice on the other end of the phone. I opened my eyes, squinting and adjusting them to the light coming from the phone; glancing at my caller ID I read My Love across the screen. “Hey Shame… what’s up?” I said sighing into the phone as I rested my head back against the phone and pillow.

“Nothin’ babe, why you didn’t text me back?” Shame asked into the phone.

            As much as I wanted to tell him about himself; the nerve of him wanting to call me at one in the morning like everything is copasetic. Which it is not! We have a lot to discuss; well I do for that matter. Now that I am finally able to chat with him, I have so much to say but don’t know how to say it. I thought about what his reaction would be… then decided against it.

            “I was about to Shame…” I said. Quickly reminding myself that I was supposed to be mad at him, I flipped my question on him. “What about you?” I inquired. I thought about what his answer would be. Hoping the answer would be believable in my mind so I can let this issue go.

            “What have you been up to all day and night?” I asked. Making sure I put emphasis on night. “You wait until one in morning to tell me that you were thinking about me? What about the other times? When it was twelve in the afternoon or five in the evening? You weren’t worried about it then, so why now?” I was getting mad by the thoughts of Shame cheating. The niggah had the audacity to call me when I haven’t heard from him at all throughout the course of my day.

            “You kno’ it ain’t nothin’ like dat Mya, I just been busy all day and my phone been fuck’d up baby… I ain’t heard from you either… So what’s up with dat?” Shame asked sighing into the phone. I knew where this conversation was leading to and it wasn’t going to be pretty coming from my end.

            “Whatever Shame, don’t try to flip the script on me. For one, you know my damn car is in the shop and for two, any other day you would hit me up. So why is it different today?” I asked into the phone. I was wide awake now and hanging on to every word that he was saying just in case his ass slipped up. I was ready and waiting like a kettle on the stove boiling to the point that it start to squeal.

            “I thought you were mad at me.”

“Shame… if that isn’t the sorriest excuse… When have I talked to you for me to even be mad at you? Hell, I am pissed right now for the simple fact that I am your girlfriend and yo’ ass didn’t consider hitting me up, but I bet yo’ hoes where the first ones to get a hello and a good morning!” I sat up in my bed with my back against my cherry oak head board. I couldn’t believe the nerve of this niggah calling me on some ‘brand new’ shit. Like he is Mr. Innocent! I don’t know who he is trying to fool, but Yemya doesn’t walk in shoes of a fool. Not yesterday, not today or any other day.

            “Yemya, I don’t have no hoes neither do I have bitches. I only got you. I don’t kno’ why you sitting over there listening to yo’ damn friends before you even listen to yo’ own man… What kind shit is that? I told you my phone was fucked up. You let Andreyia and yo’ otha friends get into yo’ head bra.”

            “Yea… that’s what you told me when you could have called me from Tony phone or Darren phone; how can you answer that?” I couldn’t take this shit with Shame any more… All this sneaking and shit is for the birds. By the time I was about to open my mouth to tell him that it was over he had placed my call on hold. Minutes after realizing that I was still on hold, I looked at my phone and checked the time. After hanging up then placing it back on the charger I laid back down turning on my back and begin to stare at the ceiling. I can’t believe this niggah just sat here and left me on hold without even clicking over. I thought to myself. I lied awake in the dark for an hour hoping Shame would at least call back explaining what happened with him leaving me on hold or to even send me a text to say goodnight. I guess the call was important to him… He never called or sent texted; not to say sorry for leaving me on hold or to even say goodnight.

—–

            Since I am just young Shame, you think that you can take advantage of me. The lies that you tell isn’t true baby, it’s just self-explanatory. My mind be stuck on you… forget all the illegal stuff. Your baby mama will soon be due and that part of your life is fucked up. I am trying to keep my cool. But you make it seem so noticeable. Deep inside I am feeling you and every second of it…

            Looking over the few words that I’ve written inside my journal, I sat and thought to myself. Shame has brought many happy days into my life, but now that his son will be here, I don’t think that what we have will last. I have yet to tell anyone about me being pregnant reason being that I have my doubts about the relationship that I’m going to have with its father…and he has yet to give me a reason to why I shouldn’t be feeling the way that I do. It’s just; there is some shit that I hate to find out about. His cheating, his scheming, and his lying… all of it is weighing on my heart. My feelings are in the mix and at times I feel as if I can do without him.

            “Ain’t this is some shit” I said to myself as I sat on top of my queen size canopy bed. “Every time I turn around he’s trying to fill my head up with some bullshit. Men cheat… and you wonder if all the shit that you have done for him is good enough.”

            I sighed, flipping through the pages of old entries that I wrote on my journal. My memories are what I call them. I guess I’m not good enough. I thought to myself. I know that I wonder about Shame ways and have yet to come up with a clue. I don’t know if I should remain strong with what we have or let it go, move on.

            I was feeling unappreciated and Shame was not making the situation any better. I put my trust into him and still ended up at the bottom of the barrel. The truth has yet to come out of his mouth. I don’t know what the hell I am waiting on to hear him say. From the looks of it, our conversation is repetitive… there’s no progress. No real love. At least that’s how I feel.

            I closed my journal and stuffed it under my pillow. Climbing out of my bed, I walked to my full size mirror looking at my naked body. Cupped my breast in my hands I then sucked in my stomach. Although I had a little belly fat, it wasn’t anything that I wasn’t able to work with. I looked at my five foot three inch frame with my 40 inch hips and ass and my thirty-six c-cup breast. Starring at my caramel complexion and pulling my shoulder length hair into a ball on top of my head. I turned an angle just to get a view of my back side. Sighing at my cellulites, I stepped away from the mirror to walk into the bathroom which was inside of my bedroom. I started to go through my closet to look for an outfit to throw on for today.

            After pulling out some skinny jeans and a blouse, I walked towards my bathroom to take a shower. My apartment consists of two bedrooms and two full size bathrooms; my bathroom was a cream color with shades of mint green and forest green. To me, it was like a spa. I bent down to cut on the shower, checking the temperature with my hand. I stepped into the shower turning around doing a three-sixty making sure I got my whole body wet. After bathing for twenty minutes, I stepped out the tub turning off the water. Walking to the sink and wiping off the fog that was on the mirror. I swear Shame better come correct with his shit. Rumor has it that he is sleeping with these females… Speaking of the devil here he comes walking through my door apartment door. I thought.

            “Sup love.” I heard Shame yell as he walked to the kitchen. While I was drying off in my bedroom, I overheard him open the refrigerator door and pour him a glass of Kool-aid.

            “Hey Shame.” I yelled back. Walking into the kitchen with a towel still wrapped around my damped body. I leaned against the counter; watching Shame gulp down a glass of Kool-aid as if it was the last thing to drink on Earth. “You must have been pretty thirsty” I said as I opened the refrigerator to grab me a bottle of water.

            “Yea, thirsty fa’ you” Shame said as he stepped closer to me. It was something about him that just made my knees weak. Tucking my towel in so that it wouldn’t fall to the floor, I untwist the top from the bottle of water and took a sip. “Are you sure that it’s me that you are thirsty for?” I said as I leaned against the counter, placing the bottle of water on the side of me.

            “The Kool-aid was just a lil’ flavor to get me by until I got a taste of you” Shame said as he stepped in front of me. Close enough that I could smell the cherry flavor Kool-aid on his breath.

            “Is that right?” I asked with a smirk on my face. As much as I wanted to play hard and continue to be mad at Shame about leaving me on hold last night. I couldn’t help myself. His presence made me horny. Right now, I just want to release a couple of nuts and go on about my day.

            Stepping closer, Shame started kissing me on my neck. Pausing, I thought about pushing him away but I couldn’t control the feeling that I was receiving from my pussy thoughts. He knew my neck was my hot spot and at this point, my va-jay-jay was doing the thinking for me.

            “So you gon’ lemme taste you?” Shame whispered in my ear.

“Depending on what you have a taste for Shame? I only have one flavor to offer and that’s sugar walls.” I said as I closed my eyes, feeling him reach under my towel, up my thigh in search for my honey pot.

            “Good” he said as he slipped his finger through the opening crevice of my sacred lips, feeling around my walls as if he were in search for something that was in there. He slowly pulled his finger out and then brought his hand up to his mouth placing his finger in his mouth. He then began to suck and lick my juices off of his finger not leaving a drop of cream on them. “Damn baby, you taste like honey.’ He said as he stepped back from taking a free lick of my pussy.

            I couldn’t help but to smile, the niggah had the corniest lines to say. “Really?” I asked, still leaning against the counter. I pulled Shame in close; close enough that he felt my breath brush against his ear. “Is that all that you want Shame? A sample?” I said pulling his ear lobe into my mouth lightly pinching it with my teeth.

            “Damn gurrrrl.” He said in between his moan. You better stop before you make a niggah do somethin’ to yo’ ass.”

            “Do something like what?” I said as I stepped back.

“Somethin’ like taking you to anotha planet on my rocket ship” he said with a slight laugh.

            I couldn’t help but to blush at his comment. I pulled him in close to me once again. This time I began kissing him with the hungriest kiss. When I say hungry, a bitch like me was starving for some dick, so I kissed him the way I wanted him. Deep, juicy and wet. Pulling away from our lip locking moment just so I can breathe, I looked into his eyes and I could see that his passion for me was burning like balls of fire. “Are you sure that’s all you want Shame… is a taste?” I asked him again putting on my sexy tone of voice. I was ready and like Yung Joc said “It’s about to go down.”

            Shame grabbed me by the waste, moved his hands under my towel and started to caress my ass. Kissing me on the neck, I felt him pull my towel loose and letting it fall to the floor, he then bent down on his knees placing my left leg over his shoulder.

            “Naa babe, I want a full serving” Shame said as he glided the finger that he sucked my juices off of back inside my pussy. I leaned my head back, balancing my weight on the counter while standing on my right leg. I felt him glide another finger inside of me; feeling the tightness of my pussy muscles wrapping around his fingers. Then I began feeling him slowly maneuver his fingers in and out of my pussy causing me to moan and grind like it was his dick that I was feeling inside of me. I pulled his head in closer feeling his tongue cover my clitoris licking and sucking it. “Damn babe you taste so good” Shame said as he ate my pussy until I came all over his mouth.

            Lifting me up, Shame placed me on the counter as I was unzipping his pants and letting them fall to floor, he guided his dick inside of my pussy, pulling me in close. I wrapped my legs around him as he carried me to my bedroom with his rock hard soldier still inside of me, penetrating my walls. Laying me on my bed without our bodies disconnecting, he started sucking my breast, gnawing on my nipples. As much as it hurt, the shit felt so good. We all know that pain can be pleasure if you are enjoying it the right way. I felt myself melting in his arms as we became one. Each stroke became different from the last. Expectorating on my hand I then started rubbing my fingers against my clitoris making my pussy even wetter. I moaned as I felt Shame thrust his missile into my pussy causing me to explode. I was so turned on to the point where I started rubbing and pinching on my own breast with one hand while I was still playing with myself.

            “I love you Mya.” Shame said as he dug deep into my pussy releasing his nut inside of me.

            “I love you too.” I said as I arched my back. Shame and I made love continuously for another hour later falling asleep into each other arms.

 

 

 

2

“I’m down for whatever, simple as that”

           

            Last night with Shame was amazing. The thought of the connection between our chemistry sent chills down my spine. After all, he is still my boo. Before yesterday occurred, it has been a while since we fucked the way that we did last night. I mean, I’m not saying the sex has been sour between us, I’m just saying it hasn’t been as good. Something came over me last night. A feeling that made me feel as if I had to prove something to Shame. I had to prove to him that I wanted to make this work; regardless…

            While we were lying in bed together, Shame rolled over on his side. My back was turned towards him and I was on my way into a deep sleep until I felt Shame kissing on my bare shoulder. Turning around towards him I encountered feeling the urgency to make love to him once again. Pushing my hair out of my face, Shame leaned in close kissing me intensely… seconds after ending our kiss, he began gazing at me. That was then that I felt that he had something on his mind.

            “Love hurts Yemya. If I were to eva lose you, how can I eva love someone who can neva replace you? The love wouldn’t da same…”

            “Really Shame?” I said as I turned over to face him. “Is that how you feel about me? You love me that much that you can’t love anyone else?” The statement caught me off guard. I knew Shame valued me. It was just his way of showing it and acting it made me have my share of my doubts. Then again… maybe I’m just plain ole foolish…

            “Baby… I’m telling you… this is real”

            I looked into my man eyes and then our lips met. Melting under his strokes, I felt Shame trace his hand down my back… cupping my ass. We made love all over again that night.

–—

            Awakening the next morning to Shame absence on the other side of the bed; I held my eyes closed to recollect us making love last night. I didn’t even make it out the house yesterday because we were here fucking like we didn’t have a care in the world. Reaching over to my nightstand to pick up my ringing phone, reading the caller ID; I answered on the third ring. “Hello.”

            “What’s up Mya”

It was my home girl Parys. Parys and I were really cool; she was the silly side of me. We clicked the second that we started kicking it in my hood. Parys was mix with a deep sultry voice. One thing about her is that she was always herself. Cool.

            “Hey chick, what’s up?” I inquired.

“Girl, nothing, just got into it with Ray”

            “Girl are you serious?”

“I’m good girl, he have his ways. So I just let him have his ways…”

            “You know how I am about guys being with the shit Parys. I would rather be by myself than to go through the bullshit that you have to go through with that niggah.” I knew what the phone call was about. Ray and Parys always had their ups and down. The niggah was on some real jealous shit if I must say so myself… But folks can get caught off guard. You think that that person would be the one that you’ve been waiting on… you know… that person that you think is the one that you are destined to be with; the one who would take you out of the streets. In most cases, fairytales don’t always end that way. Sorry to kill you dreams boo boo… It’s true. We all know that God has a plan for each of us and that things don’t always work out the way that we expect them to go… I try to keep that in mind.

            “You know he got mad and had put me out of his car girl!”

“Bitch! For real!?” I asked. I couldn’t believe the shit. Ray ass put her out of his car on the side of the road. If a niggah would have the nerves to even make that kind of threat it would have been over with. “Damn. Why girl? What happened?”

            “I saw an old friend and I spoke to him… so now Ray thinks I’m fucking him Yemya.”

“Girl, if it ain’t one thing then it’s another with ya’ll” I laughed.

            “Girl, his jealous ways… He swears I am talking to my ex… He just don’t understand.”

“Men just don’t understand.” I groaned. Thinking about the emptiness I felt now that Shame got his nut and left to go on about his business. “See, Parys I knew that Shame was coming from a rocky relationship and at first it seemed as if we were passed that. Then come to find out, the chick is about to have his baby and he is still going through the motions with her. Then to top that off he expects me to trust him. Then last night, he was telling me how much he loved and needed me and for me to bear with him until he make through his situation with her. Some days I just feel like he is running a game on me. Yet he can be so sincere about everything…”

            “Sincere!” Parys said into the phone. “Girl, I’m lucky to even get that from Ray… he make me feel so little…” She said with so much sadness in her tone.

            “Damn girl… you need to get out and chill honey. Give yourself some fresh air. If you are going to be with that niggah then you deserve some type happiness… Don’t you think?” I asked her. I sat up in my bed, ready to go off. I don’t understand most women these days. They can be so hooked on the dick that they don’t do anything about the pain that is being caused by a man with her heart.

            “I don’t talk to nobody! I don’t go no where! Hell… I’m barely able to hang on to my friends because of his ass” Parys exclaimed.

            I felt her pain… She was in love. Hell, I’m in the same position with Shame. I was in love with someone… who was in love with pussy. “Girl, when you call, don’t I always answer your phone call?”

            I heard Parys let out a slight laugh into the phone and said, “Yea girl, EVERY time I call… me hearing your voice mail is rare.”

            “See, there you go… you aren’t losing no friends girl. Your real friends gone always be there. It doesn’t matter if ya’ll hear from each other every month. Honey, they will always be there to answer a phone call or reply to text. It may not be on time or right then and there but here me when I say that I got you.” Matter of fact, I got all my girls. I might get caught up in my relationship or what not. But… we are grown. We should be able to understand each other’s situations. At least I do… Some folks catch a fit or tend to act funny if they don’t hear from you just to be real.

            “I know girl… I be noticing that shit too… Folks fall out of your lives like leaves on a tree branch. I can’t believe that shit though. After I had put my heart and time into our relationship… the niggah still feel as if he can’t trust me Mya… don’t you know how much that hurts? But that’s a relationship for you huh…?”

            I could hear the pain in my home girl voice. Trust can be a big issue in relationships… without it, how can you expect to have love? People that I have talked to never gave the best advice. I was either the one dishing the opinions to them and telling my stories to my journals. You live and you learn. Am I not right? I mean you can’t learn anything if you don’t go through nothing. That’s my theory on that.

            “Relationships take a lot of work Parys… I am sure there are going to be some days that are filled with so much hurt and heartache… Trust me. I’m going through my motions myself… confused and not able to outweigh my troubles. But you just have to remember that you have to be yourself girl. Do the good days in and outweigh the bad… I mean if you feel like it is worth it then don’t give up too soon; I’m trying to face it with Shame. At least working it out without questioning it until he pushes you to that point; things like this girl, you just have to take it and learn from it. Like they say… what’s done in the dark will come into the light.”

            If only I could convince myself to believe that. It seems like it’s always easy to talk to people about their issues than it is to even consider it myself. Yea it sounds good; I’m good at telling it… but me. My comfort was through my own thoughts for me to even realize it myself.

            “You always know what to say Mya… for real. You just lifted a little weight up off of my shoulders.”

            “I’m just telling you what I believe is best for you to hear love. You know how you want your relationship to go… Just don’t let it go the wrong way.” I giggled. I thought about Shame. I wondered if our relationship will ever grow bitter. I thought about me not being a woman and giving up on us; or me being a woman and taking control of my relationship. Is putting effort and trying to keep a cheating man worth it? After getting off the phone with Parys, I pulled out my journal and began to trace over my thoughts.

 

Wednesday April 18th, 2007

      Man, yesterday I saw you I was happy to see you… I mean, it’s been a minute. Then you told me that you weren’t going to fall in love anymore. I still don’t know what you mean by that. I started to ask you but I didn’t want to get my feelings hurt. So my deep thoughts… I kept them to myself. I love it when we can chill together. I swear… it’s like nothing in the world can stop us from enjoying each other. I remember when we first met. We couldn’t stop kissing, touching, texting… hell… even speaking. It’s April and so much has changed since then. My mind is filled with so much negative shit. I know that you lie to me. Especially about that bitch Angel. I guess every bitch you talk to is your best friend…? I guess I am jealous that you call her baby girl. Damnit Shame… I’m hurting because I don’t know what to do without you. I’m confused and I’m mixed with emotions of love. My stomach hurts from the thought of you fucking around on me. At first, I was like… she’s just some chick from North Carolina who you grew up with in Georgia… but damn… this bitch saying shit that me as your ole lady should be saying to you. What’s up with that!?

Yemya

 

3

“Life is about pushing past its limits”

            “I hate when my name constantly comes out of a bitch mouth! They don’t even know me!” I yelled into the phone. These hoes are so irrelevant to me. For some reason they are always popping up and out the mouth. Trying to throw salt on my game… Here I am at Marshalls trying to shop in peace and I so happen to get a phone call about some bitch fucking Shame. Bitches got so much to say these days. I swear they do and Shame better believe that he have another one coming.

            “Girrrl” Brooke said as she glanced around Marshalls at the other shoppers who heads were now facing my direction. I heard her snicker as she continued to look through a rack full of shirts. “You so loud Yemya, I swear the folks outside even heard you.”

            I couldn’t help but to laugh myself. I didn’t realize how loud I have gotten until Brooke said something. Hell, if she wouldn’t have said anything I would be still going off over the phone all the while forgetting where I was at. Hell, they would have to call the security guards to escort me out this bitch because I was ’38-hot.

            “What’s wrong?” Brooke asked “What happened?”

            Leaning against one of the clothing racks, I told Brooke about my phone conversation that I just had.

            “I’m telling you Brooke… these bitches better come correct. All these rumors about Shame fucking these hoes… I don’t know. And I’m still sexing him when I should have been let him go. Brooke… I think I need to go get tested!” I laughed. “I don’t know what I’m holding on to…”

             As much as I wanted to try and work things out, I was getting fed up with Shame and the entire he say she say shit. It was still unbelievable to me that Shame was wilding out like that. Creeping on me… Yemya… I swear I’m too badd for him to be cheating I thought. “I know I’m a good woman Brooke… I don’t have a problem with taking care of my man. So why is he creeping around…?” I said to Brooke as I placed my hand on my hip.

            “Girl some niggahs be doing the most. Greg ain’t no better” Brooke said as she pulled a shirt out from the rack than placing it against her chest. “How does this look?”

            “It’s cute” I said. “But it’s something that I wouldn’t wear.”

“Well damn hoe, you ain’t got to say it like that” she said with a laugh.

            “Well bitch if you quit wearing loooud ass colors then just maybe it would be of my taste. Until then, you can keep that shit” I said with a laugh. “Besides, I’m done; I can’t find anything in here anyway.”

            “Hell yea, well let me go buy this shirt and we can go. Where you want to go next?” she asked.

            “I’m ready to eat and right now my stomach is calling for Famous Daves” I said as I walked towards the checkout line.

            “Mane you ain’t lying, I’m sho’ll hungry” Brooke said in her Memphis southern slang.

I know that Shame and I haven’t been the smoothest terms lately, but believe me when I say that for him to be fucking off with some females… I’m sure to get primitive… I know we have only been together for what… about a couple of months. But we are in a “relationship” and he needs to respect what he has and he needs to recognize that he is walking on thin ice. I’m about fed up with this drama shit and about to call it quits on the whole relationship. I can only take so much… How much more shit is it that women have to go through for a man… Honestly, this drama shit isn’t for me.

            “So where you want to eat?” Brooke asked while taking her receipt and change from the cashier’s hand.

            Snapping out of my thoughts, I turned towards Brooke. “Famous Daves sounds damn good to me.” I said in a jokingly voice.

            I mean– is it worth it? Fighting another female over a niggah? Hell, what do the men get out of that? How can a woman ever trust another man all the while knowing about the shit the past done put her through… Should I end things with Shame? Is my love for him that strong? Is that battle worth the fight? Should I even consider giving us a try? How can he treat the woman that’s been down for him since day one so wrong?

            There were so many questions that were bottled in my mind; I was anxious to get back home to express those same thoughts. Walking to Brooke’s car, I pulled out my cell phone and began to text Shame. I was so mad that I had to continuously re-text misspelled words.

I swear I can’t stand u! I’m tired of u & yo’ bitches!!!! I already kno’ yo’ ass is going 2 try 2 play mothafuckin games. Fake ass niggah! I can’t stand yo’ simple ass and I’m tired of folks calling my phone about u and yo’ nonfactor ass bitches Shame!

            Pressing send, I closed my flip phone and got in the car. I was ready to eat; I blew off my steam, sat back and chilled in Brooke’s passenger seat as we road down Gumbarrel Rd.

            After eating a fabulous meal platter with rib tips, Brooke and I chatted. Paid our bill and was on our way. Later after Brooke dropped me off, I slowly walked to my building complex, slowly climbing the stairs of my Waterford apartment, unlocking my door then locking it behind me. I crept into my bedroom adjusting my eyes to the darkness. Peeling off my clothes throwing them onto the floor; I climbed into my queen size bed curling up under my silk sheets dozing off into a deep slumber.

–—

            So what do I think about my relationship as of now? I don’t know… I mean, really… what is the outcome of us? Hell, come to think about it, Shame only calls me when he wants something. It’s either for money, pussy or to use my car. I’m starting to notice that. It always seems to start off with a ‘Baby what you doing’ or an ‘I miss you’. Then he just gets to his point. I never asked him for anything and I bet his ass don’t think about that.

            “I don’t understand why you constantly do so much for that niggah and he don’t do shit for you” Andreyia said into the phone.

            “I wondered the same thing… I guess it’s out of love” I sighed as I got up from the bed to grab my journal.

            “So did he even text you back after you sent him that text?”

“No… the niggah didn’t even bother to call… I don’t know what to do about us ‘Dreyia”

            I don’t know why I’m confiding in my friends. For all they care, they believe that I just fall in love and get hooked on dick. That is what keep me satisfied and quiet. Which is another ‘yea, whatever bullshit.’ But when people have time to think… they think about the simple things and nothing about the obvious. Hearing my line beep. I glanced at my phone and saw that it was Shame calling.

            “Speaking of the devil”

Andreyia laughed and then said “What?”

            “Shame is calling me… let me see what this niggah have to say and I will call you back”

“Ok”

            Clicking over, I gathered my thoughts before I spoke into the phone.

“Hello” I said.

            “What is this text you sent me all about?” Shame asked.

“Oh you don’t know?”

            “Know what Yemya, you da one who sent da text so you tell me what is up”

“I’m just fed up Shame… I’m fed up with you. I’m fed up with yo’ hating ass baby mama who can’t move the fuck on with her damn life. I’m fed up with all this shit going around Chatt about you Shame. The shit gets old”

            “Yemya, there you go again. Lettin folks get in yo’ head”

“Yea, yea, yea. I heard that shit before… all your coochie promises and all that other shit is out the door.“

            Coochie promise?”    

“Coochie promises Shame. Promises you make when you are up in some good pussy”

            Laughing into the phone I heard him say that I was a trip and that I need to stop playing and stressing over what someone else had said. When Shame and I first met, he seemed so confident and wasn’t too cocky and didn’t front while he was talking to me. I noticed the moment he spoke to me he couldn’t seem to make eye contact; I knew something wasn’t right. It just sits in your gut that way. I guess he couldn’t stand the fact that I will look into his soul and read his actions. But some shit a niggah can’t help though when they are guilty. I’ve come to learn that it’s all in the way they act. I even read somewhere once before that if a niggah talks to you but his eyes is elsewhere then that niggah is too timid, weak or devious. With that being said, you can see the truth through them.

            “Girl don’t nobody be makin’ no coochie promises…”

“After the phone call that I received from earlier…”

            “What phone call!?” Shame asked cutting me off in the middle of my sentence. “Baby, I don’t have nothin’ to do with no phone call.”

            “Of course you don’t Shame, why would you have another female call me discussing what’s going on between the two of you… Look Shame. I know that I said that I won’t ever be too far away. But after ole girl called my phone; I don’t know where I’m going to be. I know that I even said that I won’t hesitate at all…” I sighed into the phone. I didn’t know if breaking up would be hardest thing for me to ever do. I don’t know if calling it a break is what I want it to be between us. After all, the feeling isn’t just there like it use to be. The love is not even a feeling anymore… it’s more of a thought.

            “What you try’na say Yemya?” Shame asked into the phone

            “All I’m trying to say is…” I thought about what I wanted to say. What I felt like I needed to let Shame hear. As much as my heart wanted to give up and leave well enough alone. My mind said differently. “I just need some time to get my mind right Shame. To think this through. I’m not saying that it is over or I’m done with you. I’m just saying I need sometime…”

 

April 23rd, 2007

      I never thought I’ll come to the end of this shit for real. How can one person not give a damn about anything? And Shame of all people… fuck him right now. I really don’t have shit to say about us at this point. He thought he was slick and had his tricks up his sleeve. But when you are hurt by someone, you can’t help but to hate them. They lose that trust, that respect… that love. Jordon told me about the Angel chick emailing her. Shame was planning to move back to Georgia to be with her. She said they’ve been discussing it for a while now and he even mentioned me. He told her that he loved me and that I was a good woman but his mind and heart was with her. The crazy part about it is that I have yet to tell him that I was five weeks pregnant with his baby… For that matter… no one will know. Between us, there is just so much shit Shame doesn’t “think” I know about. Shit like him betting K.P. that he was going to fuck me. And they betted three months top! Let’s not forget the stories about him having unprotected sex with different females and licking their coochies! And about these chicks named Angel and Jennifer… I done heard the most. That’s why I just can’t do it. I can’t go through the drama and have a baby attached to me along with it… I have to do what best for me the baby and me is… aborting it.

Yemya

 

4

“Life truest obstacle’s, love, everybody have to go through it”

~Sade Yates

 

            “When my girl came through with the news… All I did was think about me and you like damn. What a chick gotta do to get with a real niggah like mannnn.”

            I was singing along to the best female rapper alive Trina “Here We Go Again”. I was cleaning up my apartment bumping one of my favorite artists. In reality, I was trying to keep my mind focus on other things. I didn’t want to think about my options on keeping the baby. For that matter I made up my mind. My sister Kenya helped me come up with the money and we will be heading to Atlanta tomorrow morning. Honestly, I feel guilty about the whole situation. But I thought things through. I even prayed about it too. But there comes a time when in life, you just have to learn to think about you. With that being said… I am thinking about me.

 

April 24th, 2007

      I cried… I cried and I cried and I cried. I am torn; torn between the questionable truths on love. Questionable on Shame and his plans with this chick named Angel. I don’t know… And when you are really feeling someone, they can make you feel so stupid and at times I still do feel that way. I was going to call it quits. I was going to let him go…

      After I was done loading my dishes into my dish washer, I wiped off my grey granite counters then placing the rag over the faucet. Walking into my living room, I breathe in the fresh scent of Pinesole. There is always something about a fresh smelling house. Thirty minutes after I flopped on the couch and was watching BAPS on HBO. My door bell rung. Standing up from the couch, I placed the remote on the nearby coffee table.

“Who is it?” I said as I peeped into the peep hole.

      “It’s me, Kenya!”

Glancing through the peep hole, I saw Kenya with a yellow blouse, a pair shorts and her hair pulled back into a pony tail. Opening up the door, I stepped back to let her in.

            “What’s up chick” I said, closing the door behind her then locking it.

“Somebody has been doing some spring cleaning” Kenya stated as she walked to my living room and sat down on the nearby cream leather sofa.

      “Girl” I said sitting across from her. “I’ve just been enjoying these off day’s honey. What’s been up with you?” I asked, sitting back comfortably on the love seat.

      “Girl, nothing finally being able to enjoy my off days… What about you? I’m surprised you ain’t boo’ed up with Shame.”

      “I’m not thinking about Shame neither do I have much to say to him or about him…”

“What!” Kenya said with excitement.

      “Like for real Kenya, I’m so fed up with so much of the bullshit. I got bullshit coming from my ears.”

      “Girrl what happened?” She asked.

      After talking to Kenya and telling her my situation, it upset her to know that my relationship with Shame was falling apart. I was confused and was now regretting my love for him. I was all cried out… I needed that one person who was always there for me… I needed that ear to listen… I needed to call my best friend Andreyia. The phone call didn’t make my situation any better. She even heard that Shame was sleeping with Alicia. My decision was final. I was going to leave Shame. After getting off the phone with Andreyia, we made plans for Brooke and her to come to my house to help me cope with my break-up. The girls arrived at my place in only minutes apart to help me gather up Shame’s things and put them outside the door for him to come get them. I needed their support and my girls came through for me. Although the pain that I felt was weighing at my heart over lost love, my spirit was up lifted with pure love from my girls. All the while we were all chilling. Kenya and I were preparing for my trip to the A for my appointment with the abortion clinic.

            My plan was to just keep it a secret without letting anyone know of the situation. Not even Andreyia, who is my best friend. I knew just by telling her about my being pregnant and my plan to abort it, she would try to talk me out of it. She wouldn’t understand why my decision was the choice that I’ve made…

            “So when were you going to tell her?”

Looking at Kenya as she sat across my bed, I sighed and sat down right beside her. “I’m not going to tell no one, not Andreyia, not my mom… not even Shame. I don’t want to even go through the motions of upsetting the world around me. Hell, I wasn’t even sure if I should have told you…”

            “Look Yemya, if anything, I respect your decision because you are a grown woman. You’re my sister, I’m not here to judge you or talk bad to you about your choices. That is God’s place to do that. I am here to support you.” Kenya said as she grabbed my hand.

            “Ya’ll need to come on, we are about to start Waiting to Exhale, the popcorn is ready, the wine is chilled and I’m ready to relax.” Andreyia said as she walked into my bedroom. Looking at Kenya and me, she said “What’s up with ya’ll?”

            “Girl nothing just sitting here catching a break” Kenya said before I had a chance to respond.

            Looking at me to see any sign of truth, Andreyia then walked out the room stating that she and Brooke were ready to watch the movie.

      While we were in the middle of a movie, there was loud knock on my door that caused each of us to jump.

“YEMYA!”

            I heard Shame’s voice roar through the door. Kenya, Andreyia and Brooke each got up from the couch and walked over to the door.

            “She don’t want shit to do with you Shame!” I heard Andreyia say through the door. “Just get your shit and go. She good!”

            “ANDREYIA! You supposed to be my girl!” I heard Shame say from the other side of the door. “You the one hooked us up! How the fuck you gone let some bullshit come between me and Yemya!?”

            I was still sitting on the couch, froze in place; unable to move. Hearing Shame on the other side of the door pleading for me to let him in made my heart so weak. I was uncertain if I should run to the door and open it. I imagined myself holding him, kissing him… praying and hoping that this was all a dream. I heard Kenya open up the door without taking the latch off the hook to speak to Shame. But my mind was made up. It was made up on him, on us and the baby. I have to be woman enough to let Shame know that.

            “Look Shame, just give her time. Why don’t you just go back to Ta-Ta spot and chill out. Get your mind right.”

            I got up from the couch and walked to the door.

“I got this ya’ll” I said as I took the latch off the door so that I was able to walk out.

            “Boo…” Brooke said as she stood out the way to give me space to open the door. Stepping in the in the hall. I closed the door behind me and crossed my arms in front of my chest.

            “What’s this Yemya?” Shame asked looking at the garbage bags filled with his things sitting in front of my door.

            “You know what it is Shame… I just can’t…”

“You fuck’n somebody else?” Shame accused.

            “What?… Shame who do you think I am!? You the one who is doing all the fucking”! I said as I rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth.

            “What’s up wit my shit sittin outside yo’ house Mya? You breakin up with me?”

Not being able to answer his question, I looked down at the bags that we have placed outside of my door. How can I look at him and say that it was over. How can a person make something like breaking up so easy for a person to do when you love them so much?

            “That’s crazy” Shame said, noticing my hesitance to answering his question. “I just can believe that you got sucked into this bullshit Mya. When half of it is lies.”

            “Half Shame? Do you know how that makes you sound! Hell, you may as well said all if…”

“Are you through wit me Mya? You through wit us?” Shame asked throwing his hands up in the air.

            As much as I wanted to say yes… I couldn’t. I couldn’t let other females and the bullshit win this relationship over. Standing with only a foot of space between us; I looked at Shames 5’9 frame standing over my 5’3. “Naa Shame… I’m not done with us… But I need my space baby. I need to put this relationship into perspective.” I said as I looked into his pleading eyes.

            “Aiight. I do tell you the truth Yemya. I just want you to be down for me just as much as I am down for you” Shame said as he stepped back grabbing his bags. He then kissed me on my cheek and walked off without looking back.

            Standing there with my arms crossed across my chest, I looked at Shame as he left with his bags in his hands. I wonder if I should call after him… I thought about running to him… asking him to forget what just happen and for us to move on. But I didn’t… I didn’t have the will to move my feet, the voice to even speak up as a woman. I just looked at him, my first love as he left me standing here looking stupid. Turning, I walked back inside my apartment closing the door behind me. I stood with my back against the door, exhaling the breath that I was holding… not realizing that me not calling after him would be the down fall of this relationship.

 

5

“If you don’t know how to manage pain by dissolving it or letting go, it infects the future”

            I laid in bed listening to the CD that was playing thinking about Shame. I started to reminisce on how we met and the things that we did. I can’t believe I’m in this position of having this baby or not having it. I have always believed that you had to have respect and morals for yourself. And me, I have those same values.  Selfish as it sounds… I have a good head on my shoulders and I believe that Shame could be a good father. I mean, I have noticed his love for kids. He has shared so many of his dreams with me and I have faith in everything that he wants to do. But last night, last night it seemed as if everything in my world collapsed. My dreams revolving around Shame were beginning to fade. I so much wanted to feel him and make love to him. I wanted everything to be okay between us… I thought to myself as tears trickled down my face while looking at our picture.

            “We have come a long way baby” I said to myself. Just to let you know, our journey is still not at the end. The miles that we will travel; I know our road will never end. Our life together may have just begun, but the decision of me keeping this baby hasn’t. I’m holding on to this secret for eternity I sighed as I thought to myself placing the picture back on my dresser.

            “You ready?” Kenya said as she walked into my bedroom.

“I guess I am… I mean.  I know once I get there, there will be no turning back.”

            “You know you don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to Mya.” Kenya said.

            Sighing, I got up from the bed and grabbed my overnight bag. “No Kenya, this is what I want. I can’t deal with Shame and sharing the father of my child with his crazy ass ex. I just can’t put my child through the bullshit… neither can I put myself through it. It’s not of its worth.” I said walking out of my bedroom ahead of her.

            Looking at me for reassurance, Kenya turned off my lights and TV and headed for the front door. “Well— I’ll be in the car” she stated closing the door behind her.

—–

            After we arrived in Atlanta, Kenya pulled up to the abortion clinic on Mercer University Drive; minutes after finding an available parking spot, we got out the car and walked up to the building.

            “You know you can always change your mind Yemya” Kenya whispered as we walked through the glass doors into the lobby.

            “I didn’t make it this far for no reason Kenya” I said as I walked to the front desk. “I do appreciate you for coming and supporting me on making this decision.”

            “I’m just saying” she stated.

“Really, I appreciate it and I’m going to go through with this Kenya” I said approaching the front desk, I stood at the open window waiting to be assisted.

            “Hi can I help you today” the blonder hair and blue eyed nurse said.

Clearing my throat “Umm yes, I had an appointment with Dr. Susan McCullough today at 2:15”

            “Name please?”

“Yemya Smith”

            “Ooh-kay. Date of birth.” She asked as she keyed in my information.

“January 29^th, 1989” I stated as I watch her key in my birthdate. “How long with the wait be?” I questioned.

            “Dr. McCullough is usually quick with her procedures. You shouldn’t have to wait no more than thirty-minutes. How far a long are you Miss Smith?”

            “I’m nine weeks…” Just by hearing myself say how many weeks I am pregnant made me realize what I am about to face. Here I am in Atlanta in an abortion clinic registering to kill a baby that I’ve been carrying for nine weeks…

            “Okay Miss. Smith just fill-out this paper work” She said as she handed me the clip board “And also sign this consent form please then Dr. McCullough will be right with you.”

            “Okay thanks” I said as I turned to walk towards the sitting area.  After filling out the paper work and turning the clip board back in. I sat next to Kenya in the waiting room waiting for name to be called.

            “Yemya Smith” the nurse came into lobby saying my name.

Getting up, Kenya and I both walked to where she was standing and followed her into the rooms inside the clinic.

            Walking into a clean small room in the hospital; looking around, I noticed the posters hanging with pictures of women organs and information on a fetus. Noticing the gloves that were placed on the counters along with the necessary items needed; I turned and looked at the chubby nurse as she cleared her throat and said “Miss Smith, can you please strip down and put on this robe. Have you eaten today?”

            “No ma’am… I haven’t”

“Ok, good. Dr. McCullough will be with you shortly to discuss any further information with you about an abortion. Is there anyone here with you who will be here after the procedure?” She asked looking at me then at Kenya.

            “Umm yea, my sister JaKenya Griffin” I said as I pointed to Kenya.

“Nice to meet you” Kenya stated shaking the nurse hand.

            “Great, well Miss Griffin, when it’s time to take her to the back for surgery; you can take a seat in the lobby and someone will come get you when she is taken to recovery.”

            “Will do” Kenya stated closing the door behind the short stubby nurse as she stepped out of the room. “Sooo”

            “So what?” I said as I slowly started to peel away my clothes, folding them up and placing them in a nearby chair.

            Stepping towards me, Kenya bent down and began to rub my belly. “Ugh I can’t believe you are not keeping it” she said as she placed her hand on my bare belly. “Goodbye lil one.”

            I sighed at the thought of going through what I am about to go through with. I fought back my tears not wanting Kenya to notice my true feelings. Then she’ll try to talk me into keeping it for sure. Stepping away from Kenya’s hand, I pulled on the robe and tied it up. “Kenya please don’t do that…”

            “Do what? I was just telling the baby bye…” she said sarcastically.

“You make me feel bad by doing that…” I stated as I sat back on the hospital bed.

            “You will only feel bad if you feel guilty about doing something that you feel is wrong Yemya… So do you?”

            “Do I what?” I asked.

“Do you feel guilty? You are about to go through an abortion in a matter of minutes Mya. There’s no turning back…”

            “I know that Kenya. Damn I thought you were here for moral support… not to nag me and make me feel bad. Yes I feel guilty by me just…”

            Before I was about to get emotional Dr. McCullough knocked on the door and let herself in. Standing about 5’8 with dark hair and a shade of emerald green eyes; she looked as if she was in her early 40’s. “Hi Miss. Smith, I’m Susan McCullough I’ll be the doctor doing the aborting procedure today. How are you?”

            “I fine” I stated “This is my sister JaKenya Griffin”

“Kenya please” Kenya nonchalantly stated.

            “Hi Kenya” She said as she held her hand out to shake Kenya hand. Looking over my charts and information she had, she sat on the stool next to me. “Miss. Smith, it says here that this will be your first abortion. Is that correct?”

            “Yes ma’am it is.” I said nervously.

“Usually we wouldn’t want people as young as you are to go through an abortion. Reason being, in your case, you haven’t had your first child yet. Are you sure that this is something that you want to do?” She asked.

            “I am positive…” I was starting to get annoyed by being question on my decision. If this was something that I didn’t want then I wouldn’t be here.

            After going over the procedure, Dr. Susan informed me on the pain medication and misoprostol in preparation of the procedure. Minutes after removing my clothes and putting on the gown that was given to me. I sat in the hospital room contemplating. I thought about Shame and the things that I was going through in order to make our relationship work. Those gut feelings that every woman have made me feel otherwise. As much as I wanted to bring a child into this world, I felt as if I was going to be alone. Shame still has some growing up to do as a man. Having two kids and no future… it will only be harder on me.

            “I’m doing the right thing…” I whispered to myself.

“You okay” Kenya asked, looking as if she could read my mind. Bending over, she gave me the tightest hug. And that was when my tears fell. “Let it out baby girl… let it all out” she said as she caressed my back.

            “I don’t want to go through with this Kenya. But I have to; I have to do it for me.” I said in between my sobs.

            Walking to the nearby counter Kenya grabbed a few pieces of cleanex from the box and brought them over to me. “You are a strong woman Yemya. You have been raped, you have been lied to, and you have been hurt. You have endured a lot as a teenager. Don’t you ever feel like your situations and decisions only bring you to mistakes. Let this better you. You hear me… this is coming from your sister. Regardless if you decided to keep it or not God loves you.”

            I looked at my sister as I dabbed my eyes with the cleanex. I was prepared to make the biggest decision of my life. Without anyone knowing that I was pregnant. After today, I was going to live my life as different woman by letting go of my past.

            Knocking on the door and then entering, Dr. McCullough asked Kenya to leave the room and stated that she will let her know when I was in recovery.

            “You will lie on your back with your feet in stirrups and a speculum is going to be inserted to open the vagina. Stacy who is our anesthetic is here to administer to your cervix. This is a tenaculum” Dr. Susan said as she held the silver tool up for me to see. “It is used to hold the cervix in place for the cervix to be dilated by cone shaped rods. When the cervix is wide enough, a cannula, which is a long plastic tube connected to a suction device, is inserted into the uterus to suction out the fetus and placenta. Do you understand… Miss Smith.”

            Nodding my head in agreement, I laid back with my legs propped up on the table feeling a since of shame and guilt. I inhaled deep. “The procedure usually lasts 10-15 minutes, but recovery may require staying at the clinic for a few hours. A nurse will notify you sister when you are in recovery.

            “Ok…” I said. “What are the side effects?” I inquired.

“Well, the common side effects the most women experience is cramping. You may feel a bit nauseated and a little faint but it will eventually ware off.” Clearing her throat and sitting her chart down on the nearby counter. Dr. Susan prepared to get ready to prep me for surgery as she continued to speak about the side effects. “Then there are the side effects that are less frequent…”

            “And those are…?” I asked. Afraid of what her answer would be. From the way it sounds, it puts me in mind of my vagina getting slaughtered.

            “Well these effects can possibly heavy bleeding, damage to the cervix… We are going to scrape away the fetus. The head would be grabbed by the stirrups and I                                                                                                                                       will use the stirrups to crush the fetus head. Afterwards, we will suck away the remaining particles of the fetus.”

            Minutes later, Dr. Susan voice seemed to fade away. I felt myself seep and out of conscious last thing that I remember seeing was bright lights….

—–

April 25^th, 2007

      I came to the conclusion that I feel like I can’t live without you. I know that I said that I was going to break things off with you, but that was only a threat. Shame in spite of the struggles and hard times; I wouldn’t choose no one else to go thru them with but you. Baby, I’m not going anywhere… I promise. You have my love regardless of what happens between us, my heart belongs to you. I know that things can get crazy between us. I don’t want you to leave me and I don’t want to leave you. Man I swear this is the best, you’re the best and it can’t get any better than this.

Yemya

 

            Closing my memoir, I decided to hit Shame up. I wanted to make amends with this relationship. Especially after I underwent an abortion behind his back, he deserves to have chance. In reality, I shouldn’t let what other people say determine my relationship with him. That can be a down fall and I am slowly learning to know that. Everyone have so much to say about the next bitch and what she is doing to my man. Even my own damn friends running up and out of the mouth with the he-say she-say shit.

            Picking up my journal and cell phone, I walked to my living room and sat down on my couch. Scanning the room for the remote, I saw it sitting on the end table near the love seat. As much as I thought about getting up to get it, I decided against it. Pulling out my phone, I dialed Shame number hoping that he wouldn’t send me to voice mail. Just when I was about to hang up he answered.

            “Hello…” Shame said into the phone as if he was already annoyed.

“What’s up Shame…?” I asked hoping that the conversation wouldn’t just stop right there.

            “Shit Mya… just chillin over Tony house… wat’s up wit you?” he asked.

“Nothing” I said as I propped my feet up on the couch. “I was just thinking about you… thinking about us you know.”

            “Thinking about us Yemya… you wasn’t thinkin’ ‘bout us a couple of days ago when I came to yo’ spot…”

            “Look Shame! You have no idea what it is like to have motherfucka’s in your ear telling you that your man is out digging in broads pussy…” I sighed into the phone.

            “The part I’m trippin ‘bout is dat you believed it…” Shame said with much sarcasm in his voice.

            “I don’t know what to believe Shame… I go days without hearing from you. Nights without you hitting me up to come over or say you are on your way. What the fuck you think I’m supposed to believe? Shit, you hit me up only when it is only convenient for you!”

            “You make me hit you up when it’s convenient… all dat believing in what otha bitches got to say is a turn off Yemya. A turn off… I’ve been pleading my case wit you. Crazy part about it is dat you know dat I love you…”

            Holding the phone against my ear… I breathed into the phone; I still didn’t know what to think about us. Unsure that what Shame was saying was convincing or not… I decided against the feeling in my gut and went with the lust in my mind for Shame. “Look Shame, I love you too. I have done enough thinking about us. I just be feeling like I needed to do what is best for me. I mean… I didn’t want to end up like some female falling into misery from lost love over a niggah.”

            I knew that I couldn’t let this relationship with Shame go so easy. I had to maintain my strength as a woman and take back what belonged to me. Question is; do we as women deserve better? Or did I get so comfortable to the point where I felt like I needed Shame? As much as I knew that he was cheating, part of me couldn’t put it past him; and the other half wanted to deal with him and the rumors. Shame was all I knew as far as I was concerned. The only dude I was fucking. I mean I would talk to other niggahs as far as being entertained. But as far as sex, I never let it go beyond a little phone convo.

            “Mya, what do you want me to prove to you baby? I’ll do it. You know I will. You know my baby mama jealous of us but you let her get in the way of us. Look at us…”

            The tears began to fall from my eyes as I watch my relationship fall apart over what someone else said. In all honesty, I wanted to blame myself. Not once have I caught Shame in the act. On top of that I only went by what people had to say. Not only that but me not hearing from him on the day to day basis didn’t make how I felt any better; I was all cried out…

            “Shame… I know that I promised that I was going to be there for you… through whatever”

            “And I told you dat I was neva gone hurt you Mya… Dat I was gone take care of you. Do you promise da same wit me?”

            I thought about Shame’s question. “Fuck everybody baby… I’m focused on us.” I heard myself say through the phone. In disbelief of what I just said, I realized that my heart felt differently. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to be with Shame or not. But my mind, my mind thought differently.

            “I’m talkin bout havin’ a family Yemya. Movin’ away from dese problems; I’m talkin about us not worryin’ bout what folks have to say. I need you…”

            And I needed my man. Instead, I have pain and suffering and fucking heartaches. I don’t give a fuck about no other niggah or what to these bitches have to say. But yet the feeling of regret was evading my soul. Part of me really didn’t want to be with Shame… but the other half was confused. Confused on love. “How do you think I feel Shame? Everybody in our business, everyone seems to know what went on about something. And I’m still so damn clueless to what is true or what are lies. Don’t nobody tell me shit Shame! Nobody! They only tell me what they think they know.”

            “Yemya, baby… one minute you want to work things out and the next minute you want to go off on a niggah. I love you girl, what part of that you don’t get?” Shame yelled into the phone.

            “Shame… I am your girl. Right? Your woman… You ole lady right? Why the hell people telling me about where you at and what you are doing and with who? I deserve more respect than what you are giving! Someone always running up to me about some dirt that you’ve done. If you gone cheat learn how to not be so damn messy with it!” At this time, I wished it was true when they said sex would make everything better. As much as I wanted Shame, the decisiveness part of him made me hate him to the max. I thought I was that bitch, but I’m just the bitch who niggah is fucking other bitches; then coming home to me wanting to fuck me like I’m just a left over bitch. I was beyond pissed all over again.

            “Look Yemya, apparently you ain’t done enough thinkin… I’m gone have to call you back…”

Click

            That’s was it… the niggah hung the up phone in my face. I thought about calling him back and acting like a ratchet bitch going off. Instead, I played it classy, scrolled through my calling list and dialed my sister Kenya number.

            “What’s up bitch” She said into the phone as if she was out of breath.

“Nothing, just got off the phone with Shame.”

            “Bitch is you serious!?! I’m going to have to have a drink over this conversation” she laughed. “How did it go?”

            “Whelp… he hung up in my face” I laughed into the phone. I thought the statement was rather funny coming from my end. After he hung up, I did feel rather stupid and had a dumb look on my face. I even wanted to call him back, going off— calling him all kinds of names under the sun. And yes… I had that ‘Oh no he didn’t’ look on my face.

            “And you find that funny? Did you tell him about the abortion?”

After telling Kenya how the conversation went between Shame and I. I realized that there is no fixing us. As much as we tried, we would continuously make up to break up… “The conversation started off good. It just ended on a bad note. I guess you can blame that on me and my big mouth. He isn’t worth telling the abortion to anyway… What he don’t know won’t hurt” I sighed into the phone.

            “Look Mya, you have been through this love roller coaster thing with a niggah once before. Don’t let a thuggish attitude and a big dick fool you and get you in some shit. You are better than that lil sis. For real; don’t let just one man get the best of you and have the upper hand. People always said go with that gut feeling girrrl. If you don’t, then you are going to regret it later. It’s not worth it Mya. I’m telling you— if you have to fight a bitch over him; then leave him alone…” Kenya said into the phone. As much as Kenya wanted to see me happy; she didn’t want to see her younger sister hurt over one guy when the world has many to offer. She was right, I am too young and beautiful to be feeling lost out of love over Shame…

            “As much as I don’t want to admit it” I laughed into the phone. “But you are right Kenya… I need to stop trying to win this battle with Shame and just find my own battle to fight”

            “I’m not trying to tell you what to do or anything. I’m just trying to tell you like it is. But! If you are feeling Shame and want to be with him… then go for it. Like I tell everyone I love, just be careful with your heart. You can’t be having everyone in your business. You know how your friends are. First thing they hear they are quick to tell you and you are quick to go off. What’s between you and Shame needs to stay between the two of you…”

            “How can you say that when I don’t know what’s up with him? I question him because of other people Kenya…” I said as I placed the phone on the table putting it on the speaker.

            “Mya, key word other people I know I told you not to get sprung, don’t fuck off and let other people dictate your actions… If he is some girl baby daddy then fuck it— so be it. Is he a man? Does he have a job? If none of that applies to Shame… let him be. Leave these sorry ass niggahs alone because in the long run it’s going to be more trouble than what it’s worth… Then you are going say ‘I should have listened to you Kenya’.” She laughed into the phone.

            When I thought about my situation, I realized that Kenya was right. Shame and I are losing our love and we’re not meant to be together. I’ve gone through this make up to break up him long enough. Along with the baggage of a sour relationship, I also carry the burden of aborting my baby. Something that I try to get over— but I can’t; I toss and turn with restless nights picturing my life with my child that I killed. I would rock myself to sleep at night while my tears would fall. I guess Shame is my only connection of feeling a sense of love. I want it to be that way. Things like this are a life situation is what brings you ups and downs; turning your tears into frowns. It was all starting to make sense to me…

 

 6 

 “In the end, what matters the most is how well you live, love, and learn to let go”

 

            I said that I will try to never get attached to no niggah, but throughout this relationship. Shame has made me open up to him one-hundred percent. When it came to him… I would put him first before anything. Even my own damn friends try to make me feel guilty by making me regret my relationship. Why should I? We live and we learn right? To be honest I don’t regret shit. A person shouldn’t have to unless it’s on some guilt trip. Part of me have Shame…Part of me want Shame. Plus I’m not even fucked up about what happened yesterday. In a way, I believe I was wrong. I know I keep contradicting myself. But that’s how it is when you are between two brick walls. I want to break things off with him— well, not any more. I’m not even fucked about the gossip shit. Fuck all the neck talkers. When you bring other people into your relationship, you bring in drama and bullshit. Besides, I think that he knows what’s up with that… I told him that it’s nothing. From the outside looking in, Shame got me. No one else can have it like that but him. What’s crazy is that he doesn’t know how good that he has it. So many other niggahs want to wife me, but noooo Yemya is faithful to Shame. I guess that’s why I’m still in this position that I am in now… once again with Shame.

            “I’m Shame’s down ass bitch…” I said to myself while combing my hair into a wrap. I can just laugh at myself for sitting here trying to uplift my spirit. If only he knew those same niggahs that be in his face are the same niggahs that are in my ear telling me to break up with him. Like his cousin Derrick who sends me pictures of his dick as if I want him! I have yet to tell Shame about that niggah being with the shit.

            But for right now for some reason tonight I am horny as hell. Shame is the only niggah that I was fucking with— therefore going to someone else for some dick action was out of the question. I guess that is why he is over here now. I couple of days ago; he hit me up apologizing for hanging up in my face. Apparently his excuse was that his phone died. Funny thing about it, I knew what it was. With me being the person that I am, I let the shit ride and told him that he can come over to keep me company.

            “What’s up” Shame asked walking into the living room with a cup of ice in his hand then sitting next to me.

            “Nothing…” I said as I gaze at him while he crunch on the pieces of ice. Just by looking at him made me want him even more. In the mist of him biting and sucking on the ice, I imagined that it was me in place of the ice and was immediately turned-on. Omg… I was horny; I was trying to prevent myself from having sex with his ass. After the shit that went down, I decided to start back chilling with other guys. Kenya was right, Shame and I wasn’t married so why was I devoting myself to a cheating ass niggah anyway? As they say… two can play that game. Hearing my phone vibrate, I reached over to grab it so I can read the text. Looking at the screen, I saw the message was from Darryl.

     Wats up? wat u doin?

Nothing really… just chilling. What about you? I replied back, pressing send.

Jus wuz thinkin bout’ u. U chillin by urself?

“Who you over there textin’ this late at night?” Shame asked.

            I laughed to myself at his nosey question. I swear men get defensive when someone is hitting you up at 12 at night. Hell, the niggah was getting phone calls, picture messages and text messages throughout the night— now he want to question my actions. Do not let your phone go off back to back; it will surely bring red flags. “Why are you over there being nosey? You are here with me so it really shouldn’t be a concern of yours” I said as I continued to text Darryl back.

     Really what was on your mind? & no… I’m chilling with Shame…

I replied back pressing send. “Bra… I kno’ you ain’t finna sit here and text all night Yemya”

            “Shame… if it is bothering you that much than you are more than welcome to go to my bedroom. Last time I check… I do pay the bills here.”

            Getting up from the couch, Shame walked away mumbling words under his breath. If I’m not mistaken I could have sworn he said ‘And she wonder why…’ Hell wonder why what? I thought to myself. “What was that you were saying? I didn’t quite get the last part.” I inquired turning my attention back to the text conversation that I was sharing with Darryl.

            “Nothing Yemya! Damn!” He said as he slammed my bedroom door. I leaned back against the couch and ignored his tantrums. Now the tables have turned. I don’t give a fuck about what Shame do. I’m gone do me. Knowing good-well that I won’t cheat on the niggah— it’s not in my character.  But the niggah need to realize that I can do it to— if I wanted to. I thought as I read over the text that Darryl sent. I don’t know what I’m going to about Shame, one thing that I do know is that I refuse to play the fool in this relationship. I’m not going to fault him neither will I continue to act stupid as if his cheating is never wrong. Looking over text, I replied back to Darryl implying that real love over powers everything….

… & if Shame loved me like he says that he does. Then I’m sure that we can get through this…

            I replied back. Getting up from the couch, I walked over to the kitchen to grab me a bottle of water with my phone in hand. Feeling the vibration of the phone notified me that I received another text. I opened the bottle of water taking a sip and then placing the bottle back on the counter. Leaning against the counter in a comfortable position with my butt supporting me from behind; I read Darryl text.  He text back stating that I should let Shame be and that I needed to be with him. Men have a crazy way of thinking of being next in line once a niggah acts up. Some men even stick around until that day happen. Hell— some men don’t mind being boyfriend number two— same goes for females. But then they start to act crazy as if you belonged to them. HA! Crazy as it seems and yet it is very true. I am a firm believer that two wrongs don’t make a right. I know Shame have done his dirt. I am aware of that; but I’m not going to lower my standards and dignity just because he fucked up. That was his doing… not mines.

     He don’t realize what he has…

Was the message that I received from Darryl before telling him goodnight. In fact Shame don’t realize what he has… he is sure to find out. That’s for sure.

 

7

“You Never Know What You Have Until It’s Gone”

 

            Yesterday seemed as if it was the first day in while that Shame decided to stick around. I don’t know what it was; if his he was into it with all of his bitches or what. In a way, it was strange because I have gotten use to him coming and going. I was at the point where my walls were starting to build and the feelings of resentment were molding into my character.  Yet at the very same time, it felt good that he was even here. For just that moment I was under the impression feeling as if Shame actually gave a damn about us. After texting Darryl, last night, I realized that I would only be hurting myself by playing the same games that Shame was playing. What else can I say, I cared about Shame. As much as I wanted to be mean to him and let him be. Part of me wanted to at least try. Anything is worth a try right? I think so.

            After bathing and climbing into my bed, Shame stretched his arm out, wrapping it around my waste pulling me in close. He told me that he cared about me. As much as I tried to hold back and stand my ground.  I gave in. My walls collapsed. Feeling our bodies entwined under sheets caused my body to shutter. Although it was dark in the bed room, I felt his eyes trace my body as he climbed on top of me pulling my oversized t-shirt above my waist. I gasped as he slowly shoved his dick inside of me…

            ‘You must not knoww ‘bout meeee, you must not know ‘bout meee. Cause I can have another you in a minute matter fact he’ll be here in a minute baaabby.’

             I was knocked out of my train of thoughts of Shame and I making love last night by a loud Beyonce’s ring tone.  I looked around the room in the direction that the sound was coming from and saw it on my night stand.

             Reaching over across the bed, I picked up my ringing phone; looking at the caller ID I read P.J. across the screen. I haven’t spoken to him in a while. He would usually text me to let me know that he was thinking about me. I would be mean and brush him off.

            Before I met Shame, P.J. was my boo thing. We never went beyond a little kissing and touching which went on for about a year. I really had a thing for him until he didn’t want to settle for me which had really fucked my feelings up.  After pouring my feelings out to him and then watching him laugh as if my words weren’t nothing had really altered my thoughts on us. I would usually give him the cold shoulder. Instead, his phone call caused me to answer it.

            “Hello” I said as I sat down on my bed.

“Dannnng I thought you wasn’t gone answer the phone” P.J laughed.

            I smiled on the other end of the phone listening to his voice and his laugh. I missed that a lot about P.J. I remember that we would sit up in his blue Monte Carlo and just talk. Talk about everything, about life, about love… but never about us.

            “Now why would you say that?” I asked.

“You don’t have to shoot the shit with me Mya… you been acting funny. I don’t know if it was because I told you that I wasn’t ready for a relationship or what…”

            “Oooh… well—-”

“Well what? Shame got you like that? Got you acting funny around a niggah?”

            “No P.J. he don’t…”

“I can’t tell… How have your relationship being going anyway?” He asked, putting emphasis on relationship.

            After venting to P.J. about Shame’s cheating. He stated that he knew it was bound to happen one day.“Shit… I thought you were happy since you kept pushing me to the side.”

            “I was happy P.J… besides you wasn’t trying to make a commitment to me so why does my relationship matters to you…?”

            “It matters because I care about you Yemya. A niggah didn’t want to settle with you because I felt that I would hurt you… I mean after reading your letter, deep inside I felt the same. Just didn’t know how to express that” he signed into the phone.

            Speechless and unable to respond back to P.J’s testimony, I leaned back against the headboard and exhaled. To know that a man care about you enough to not want to risk hurting you is priceless. For that, I couldn’t help but to respect P.J for his actions. Hearing the phone beep in my ear, I looked at my caller ID to see that Shame was calling me.

            “Look P.J… it was good talking with you. But the boo is calling in on my other end sooo I’ll have to call you back.”

            Laughing P.J reluctantly said ok and then ended our conversation agreeing to speak on later terms. Clicking over to the incoming call—-

             “What’s up Shame?” I asked speaking into the receiver of the phone.

“Damn… took you long enough to pick up baby… what’s up wit you? What you doin’?” Shame asked.

            “Nothing really… just chilling. You left in a hurry this morning…”

“You were sleeping so good, I didn’t want to wake you. I had to handle some business… I can make it up to you though?”

            As much as I wanted to consider that an option to being arranged; I decided against it. Besides, it was time for me to head to work and having Shame coming over for a quickie just wasn’t going to cut it for me.  A quickie is more of a tease, only giving you a little bit of satisfaction. Me, I wanted to enjoying a long fuck session and then falling asleep with my ass poked out and my thumb in my mouth. You know… that act right.

            “As much as a love to Shame, I would have to take you up on that offer some other time…”

            “Ooooh okay.” he said with a little disappointment in his voice. I don’t know why he had the long face for. Hell, my shit wasn’t the only shit that he was getting so he wasn’t missing out on nothing but my time. As much as I wanted to tell him that I’m willing to call into work just to be with him… I knew in my mind that I need to be firm with Shame. By me being firm will only make me feel more confidant and courageous enough to free my heart from loving him. Sometimes it just takes a little strength from being fed up that comes from within if you ask me. That’s the only way I’ll be able to get by. Lucky for me, he is just on the other end of the phone. If he was here… before it is all said and done; I’ll be dialing my job number letting them know that I over slept and was running late.

            “How about I’ll hit you up when I get off baby?” I asked. I wasn’t for sure if he was going to come or not. With Shame, you never know… you just never know.

            “Aii’ght boo… do dat…” He stated.

“Cool… bye” I said after pressing end on my phone. Looking at the time, I realized it was 12:00 p.m. I had an hour to get ready for work. Hopping off the bed, I pulled out my uniform, prepping it to be ironed. Walking into the kitchen, I pulled out my ironing board and iron carrying them back to my room. After Turning on the radio, I set the ironing board up, neatly placing my clothes on it then plugging up the iron.

            “I can’t believe I want so much of Shame to be a part of my life.” I said to myself as I placed the iron on the right sleeve of my blue polo shirt. Can you believe that even I want to share the painful parts with him? Sometimes love makes you willing to do that… if you love him enough. The confusing part is that I thought that I was strong enough to leave it all behind. Now that I know that he is cheating, that’s all I can feel, see and think. I’m guilty of letting him get to me, letting him get under my skin, letting other females make me react out of my character. But I can’t help, I love him… and I don’t want the truth to break us. Yet at times, I let it. I let it piss me off. A person can say anything out of love and pain. The question is… do they mean it? I mean, when we as woman are in love, we say, think and feel a certain way. Until a man hurt us— we hurt because we love. And when we love and end up hurt— we have pain, we have rage… we even shout words out of hate. Only because we are mad. But when it’s all said and done; and the forgiving has come and gone… we love— we love hard.

            The best that I can do is for me to concentrate on my future. I’m unsure if Shame will be a part of that or what. Sometimes I tell myself, only I can get me where I need to go which at times it makes feel that Shame can be my downfall… he can set me back. Although it takes a while for a person to get over someone they love. I don’t care if it’s through life or death. Love is pure, it’s an uncontrollable feeling.  As far as I am concerned, I want my heart to reach back out to Shame. But we all know that the mind is much stronger; and once a mind is made up then the emotions from a heart won’t deter it.

 

8

“I’m convinced that I’m looking past you”

 

                        Pulling up to the Dillard’s parking lot, I stepped out of my black Chevy 2006 Impala sporting well-manicured hands and cute pedicure toes. Hitting the lock button, I walked up the street in my white cheerleader skirt with a pink halter tops and pink Old Navy flip flops. Stopping to look both ways, I proceeded across the street stepping into the cool air of Dillard’s department store. Feeling my phone vibrate, I reached into my tan and brown coach bag to retrieve it.

            “Hello” I said as I walked towards the escalator to the second floor.

“What’s up chick!” Jordan said into the phone.

            “Hey Jay, what up? I’m at the mall just looking. What you up to?” I asked as I walked towards The Body Shop.

            “Nothing girl, you heard from Kenya?” she probed.

“Na, I haven’t spoken to her. Why what’s up?

            “Just asking, my sister has been M.I.A and I haven’t heard from her that’s all.”

“Awe, girl naaa, I haven’t spoken to her.

            “Oh ok, how are things going with you and Shame?”

“Shame… well everyone know that Shame is going to always be Shame.”

            “That’s if you let Shame be Shame girl—-“she bluntly stated.

“Well—, I’m done with Shame anyway…” I sighed into the phone.

            “Are you? Or are you just trying to convince yourself that you are” She asked.

Walking into The Body Shop, I walked towards my right to look at the rack of shirts.

            “Hello, how are you doing today? Can I help you with something?” the young sales associate asked.

            I turned in the direction where she was standing “Ummm no, no thank you. I’m just looking right now” I stated with a smile on my face. Turning back towards the rack of shirts, I began to look through them for a choice of style. “You are right I am trying to convince myself in more ways to name than one.” I said turning my conversation back to Jordan.

            “Well, convincing yourself that you don’t want the man and convincing yourself to sleep with him are two different things Yemya. Feelings can get involved during sex booboo…”

            “Look, I have been giving myself a little me time.” I stated convincingly “a little time away from Shame.”

            “Yea right.” Jordan laughed into the phone. “When was the last time you were with that niggah?”

            “Well… honestly the other night. But you know girrrrrl… somethings you just can’t help. Besides he was just a little last moment rush that I need to get out of my system.”

            “Rush? Girl, what rush do you get—? Knowing that your man is going back to other females giving them that very same rush.” She laughed into the phone.

            As much as I didn’t want to admit it; Jordan makes me sick sometimes. She has always seemed like the witch between Kenya and her. They are totally opposites. Jordan was the player type. She was always use to giving up a fair game with a fair play. Her ways were slick and she was smoother than any snake. Yet she was cool. Even though her ways and values were different from mines; I respected her realness. She has never tried that fake shit on me as far as I’m concerned. Just like Shame, Jordan is always going to be slick ass Jordan. Point. Blank. Period.  When you see people backstab and gossip about the next person then be in their face. Then honey, you are a victim of that person evil tongue. They are talking about you too. So yea, Jay is that type of female and I’m coming to learn that day by day. With her nosey ass.

            “Look Jay, I’m just chilling. I’m reflecting on myself and backtracking on a lot of missed steps…”

            “I feel you. I was just saying—”

“No… I what was just saying is let me deal with Shame. Okay. You are cool and all but can’t no one place judgment on me and what’s going on in my relationship but me. For real… Settle down with someone and I’m a sure you will learn about that.”

            “People make promises that they know that they can’t keep Yemya. Why you keep letting this niggah disappoint you?”

            “Look Jordan! Sweetie, you do not know what goes on between Shame and I. I know he falls short on a lot of shit, but he is a learning man. That don’t mean that I tolerate it!”

            Yes, I was getting furious. I know the type of person Jordan is. And no, we have never talked or kicked it like that. She is as conniving as the next bitch. But she is my half-sister; sister. On top of that I don’t want to cause any bad blood between the two of us; putting Kenya in the position of having to choose between us two is not my cup of tea. Dealing with Jay though… sometimes you have to knock her back in her place. For some reason, the chick feels as if she knows everything only because she is a few years older; which is something that I find very funny.

            “Ooh so that’s how you feel? Look you didn’t have to get hostile; I was just trying to tell you what’s up with your niggah…”

            “Hell you don’t think I don’t know what’s up with my niggah Jay? Like I said dude… let meeee be the one to handle that. Not you… this conversation is over with braaaa” I said hanging up in her face.

            Damn so I was deep into letting Jordan get under my skin that I forgot where I was at. Snapping back into reality, I looked around wondering if I was loud enough for others to hear my phone conversation. After a once over look of no one paying attention, I continued to roam throughout the store for another fifteen minutes; then walking out without making a purchase.

—–

            This is a reflection of me. It’s me saying out with old and in with the new. I’ve convinced myself through so many things in my life from meeting niggahs who were not about shit… and the bumpy roads of love and lust. I’ve come to realize that I have to become stronger than what I think my strength amounts to. The strength is to look past the shit a man will put you through. I was willing to deal with Shame. But I am at the point where I am fed up with all the bullshit pulling and tugging on me. I am at the point where I am able to convince myself to look past any damn thing; I’m learning that my mind is stronger than my heart. I’m always giving a damn about everyone else priorities that I am forgetting about mines.

            Although I didn’t like what Jordan was saying, part of me felt bad for hanging up in her face. She was only telling the truth… something that I didn’t like hearing. But I meant it when I told her that I didn’t need her to worry about how I do me. I know she was only concerned… in a way; but the heifer is as nosey as she wants to be. So venting to her and telling her my business is out of the equation.

 

9

“He ain’t worth tripping over. You are a big girl”

 

Dear Mya,

      I am so sad that you are leaving; but I know that you are going to do something wonderful with your life. When I first met you, I know that we didn’t like each other. Now we are like best friends. You are such a great person! You are smart, you are funny just like me lol! I am happy that we are friends and I hope that we will remain as friends. You are like a big sister— and I really do hope your life brings you much happiness…

      Love,

Desiree

      While packing my life away, I came across a letter from an old school mate. Although my day is starting to pop off as a refined woman.  I am starting to feel good about myself. I haven’t heard from Shame in the past few days. As much as I wanted to let it bother me, I force him out of mind; yet at the same time I always ended up checking my phone every so often just to see if my ringer was on— wanting him to at least call. Still, the niggah never called and I have to realize that I just had to let that shit go.

            Waking up this morning, I was in the mood to do a little spring cleaning. Even though I had packed Shame shit and had put him out a couple of weeks ago, somehow is shit always ended back here? I guess you can say that I am the type who just has to continuously play with fire until I finally get burnt. I guess that is how I ended up being dangerously in love with a niggah who is only benefiting me in one way and that’s sexually.

            At times, I got this feeling that in between our conversations, there is always something on Shame’s mind that he didn’t tell me. When new pussy comes into the picture, there is a chance that it made his ways change. At least that’s what I think. Every time Shame is out cheating or interacting with another bitch the niggah only have to words to say and two minutes to spare. Which is some shit.

            As of now, I cleaned up my whole apartment… scrubbing and spraying, spraying and scrubbing… listening to some Mary J. Blidge Not Gon’ Cry. Yea, I was in one of those moods. I have done enough worrying and I’ve done enough thinking to the point that I have built enough courage to put my foot down. I was going to call Shame. I was officially sick of this shit.

            Walking down the hall to my bedroom; I reached across the bed to grab my phone, preparing myself for my conversation with Shame. I scrolled down the call list and located Shame’s number. Walking back towards my living room, I sat down on my sofa propping my feet up.

            After pressing call, I held the phone up to my ear— still contemplating on if this was a good decision. Hearing the phone ring on the other end, I thought about hanging up… until he answered.

            “What’s up boo!” Shame answer into the phone with much enthusiasm.

“You tell me Shame… hell you seem to have hopped back on the pussy train and forgot which damn stop was home huh?”

            “Hold on baby… it’s a lil loud in here. I can barely hear you” I heard Shame say into the phone as he walk outside so he was able to talk, I leaned back preparing myself for yet another lie. “What’s up Yemya? What’s the problem now?”

            “Shit Shame, you the one who keeps coming and going when you please. Like this is a fucking 24 hour Fed Ex package drop-off. Shame I don’t know what—“

            “What is what Yemya?” Shame asked, cutting me off from my statement.

“Shame… don’t act brand new. I haven’t heard from you in days. I’m your damn girlfriend and you don’t respect me enough to even call me.”

            “I be busy Mya…” he said sighing into the phone.

“Busy Shame?” I laughed as tears rolled down my eyes. “I see how busy you are niggah. Matter of fact— stay busy! I rather have someone loyal in my schedule anyway!”

            “Straight like dat Mya… dat’s how you feel?”

“Shame… I’m starting to think that you are seeing other bitches! How am I supposed to feel when the niggah I love don’t call or come by like he use to?”

            “Is this what this phone call is about Mya? Some bullshit that you hear just cause a niggah ain’t called you!?”

            “NO SHAME!” I said raising my voice. “I know you are fucking around Shame… I know it! I can even tell it in the vibe… when you are with me. Your mind is somewhere else… I don’t know what it is… If it’s me I apologize. I just can’t keep dealing with us like everything is okay when it is not.”

            After a few seconds of silence; I heard Shame breathe into the phone. “Baby… it’s not you. I just need a lil time to get my mind right… dats why I haven’t been hitting you up. I just have a lot on my mind and my kid is due any day now. I’m just worried about a lot of stuff and really—-“

            “Reeaally Shame? You use that as an excuse when I told you that we should be able to talk to each other about anything. You want use your unborn as an excuse because you ain’t man enough to admit to your wrong doings or admit that you still want to be with your baby’s mother? If you can’t keep it real with me Shame… then…”

            “Mya, you know I love you. I just needed a lil time to get my thoughts together. I don’t even know if I’m going to be a good dad… I need to go back to school… I need to get my life together baby… and at the same time… I don’t want to hurt you.”

            “Shame, what you fail to realize is you are not being man enough to come to me… that’s how you are hurting me. Have you ever thought about that…?”

            “…Can we talk about this later Yemya?”

“I don’t know if there will be a later Shame… I have waited long enough … don’t you think? I deserve respect Shame. Respect!”

            “Bay— let me just call you back in thirty minutes and I swear that we can talk about anything and everything— just let a niggah go ahead and hit this lick… aiight…?” He asked.

            “Aiight Shame… we’ll see” I said hanging up the phone not caring if he was done with our conversation or what. As far as I was concerned he chose to put me second… our problems second… and everything else first. I was nearing my breaking point.

—–

            So much has happened within the past few weeks and I was getting sick of the on and off shit with Shame. My cousin asked me if I was going out tonight for a double date that she had planned. In which I had totally forgot. My mind has been so concerned with Shame that everything else that really mattered was really out of the door. As much as I wanted too; I couldn’t agree to go. For the simple fact that I didn’t have a date and asking Shame was out of the question. My pride wouldn’t let me chase after him any longer.  As much as thought about asking him… my pride felt different. Part of me was officially over Shame. Over his excuses… over us. Yet the other half was wanting to reach out for him— but when I look at what’s on the other end to pick me up if I fall… I can never picture Shame being that person.

            “You know you need to break up with Shame, Mya… if you don’t realize that now… then when are you going to ever realize it?” Tammy stated as we walked inside of her apartment out in Hixon.

            “Umm… where’s the kids?” I inquired— looking around Tammy’s humble home attempting to avoid the discussion.

“Girllll, I had to get rid of them for a while… Taking care of three kids is like another job.” She stated as she sat the groceries on the nearby counter. “So” she said turning attention towards me. “Is he the reason why you don’t want to go out on the town with us anymore?”

            Walking out of her kitchen, I sat down on the nearby chocolate brown leather love seat in her living room; slipping off my shoes to make myself more comfortable.  I exhaled deeply “Tammy— I just don’t know what to do about Shame. I mean… what I mean by that is that I do. But at the same time… I don’t.”

            “Well I’m going to put it like this… as clean as possible” I heard her say from the kitchen while she remove the groceries from the bag and put them away. At the same time, I was thinking ‘Here we go again’… “Shame… Shame is still sleeping with my friend… his baby mama— Mya… she tells me all about it and you have the right to know. Not because you are my cousin but because I don’t want you to get so deep in love over Shame when he don’t deserve an ounce of love from you!”

            “So is that what you believe?” I asked.

            “I don’t put anything past Shame. I believe that he be over there and I believe that he be telling her that he wants to be back with her. I mean, that’s that baby daddy love— all of a sudden the niggah wants to be a family.”

            Honestly… I didn’t have much to say about Shame’s affair with his baby mama. As far as I was concerned, I had already figured that out. Tammy went on saying what her friend Kiara tells her. I was done hearing the gossip and about Shame being over Kiara’s house all times of the night when he should be with me.

            While Tammy went on talking about Shame’s affair with Kiara; I tuned out her voice allowing my mind to race back to my thoughts. Should I be mad? As much as I wanted to approach Shame about the shit… I didn’t have the vitality to even try confronting him and then listening to his dishonesties.

            “When I see him, I am going to curse him out Mya… he has you fucked up”

“Tammy— as many times as I had cursed Shame out… what good has it done for me” I asked feeling a bit annoyed.

            Noticing my mood and the change in the vibe; Tammy walked into her living room with her hands covered in flower. “Look Love. I’m just looking out for you. If you want Kiara’s number then you are more than welcome to have it just so you can ask her.”

            “Na… I’m good. I’m not the type to harass or call up the next bitch about my niggah. Besides… as far as I’m concerned Kiara don’t even like me because of Shame. Ain’t shit popping off but ana over some dick? On top of that how do you know the chick ain’t lying…”

            “You don’t have to get hostile Mya. I was just looking out for you…” She stated as she walked back into the kitchen so that she can finish preparing supper before her kids arrived home.

            “Yeaaa and I’m slowly learning that those who think they are looking out for me— sometimes are not always right or out for my best interest…” I mumbled to myself under my breath.

—–

            After arriving to my apartment and settling in. I laid across my bed in deep thought. I texted Ta-Ta to let him know that we needed to talk. After bathing, I walked to my phone noticing that it was flashing due to a miss call. The call was from Shame.

            “What’s up bay, I was just thinkin’ bout ya… was wonderin’ if I could come through to see you. I saw that you had texted Ta-Ta… telling him that you needed to talk. Well… I’m your man. I’m free. Call me back and we can talk. Love ya.”

            Hours after missing Shame’s call, I decided to call him back. I wasn’t for sure if he was anticipating my call— or was like fuck it… on to the next. After contemplating on calling I decided to go ahead with the call.

            Realizing it was two in the morning and Shame had called me six hours ago. I already know what his attitude gone be. Or just maybe, if he isn’t picking up then he is with his baby mama or some other female. Looking at the phone then reaching for it. I flipped it open locating Shame’s number. After pressing the green call button, I held the phone up to my ear the same time that I was holding my breath.

            Sighing in to the phone, I heard Shame say hello. He surprised me by answering on the second ring. Which was strange to me, the niggah was up and even answered the phone at two in the morning; something that I wasn’t expecting.

            Clearing my throat, I didn’t know if I should play the nonchalant role, the bitch with an attitude, or the ‘Baby come over’ role. Without deciding, I quickly said hello.

            “Whats up Mya. I called you six hours ago and you actin’ like you can’t call me back. Any otha time you would have…”

            “Shame… don’t start. I was busy?”

“Busy doing what Yemya? Six hours later you want to call me… I guess you free now huh? Six hours later” he sarcastically said.

            “Nooo Shame… I was taking a nap” I lied. How can I tell him that I was being revengeful and wasn’t going to hit his ass up. Not today, not tomorrow and I wasn’t sure if I ever was.

            “Aiight Mya. You was takin’ a nap?” He laughed into the phone in disbelief. “Anyway— Ta-Ta told me what you said. You said you didn’t want to be with no mo?” he asked.

            “Shame, this has been on my mind for a while. Yea I told him that I wasn’t feeling us anymore. But it was a thought….”

            “You wasn’t feeling us? What you mean by dat?”

“Shame… don’t act brand new. All these rumors going around about you sleeping with yo’ baby mama. You and you sometiming attitude Shame. Do not act fucking brand new with me”

            “Dat’s da point Mya! Rumors. You gone let shit like dis break us up?”

“Not only that but Tammy said that Kiara told her that ya’ll be fuckin’ off… is there any truth to that?”

            “Mannnnnnn”

I heard Shame say into the phone. I just want some reassurance, I’m not the nagging type but if some dirt get kicked up off the ground. Best believe I’m going to bring it up in the conversation. “Man what Shame? All this ‘Maaan’ shit ain’t getting us no where. I want some answers.”

            “Mya, you know Kiara is my baby mama. She is jealous of you. Jealous of us. I go see her, I treat her nice… yeaaa I do all dat. Only because she is carrying my seed; the bitch is evil Yemya. She threatened me on not being able to see my child. So what you expect a niggah to do… “

            “Shame if only if you would talk to me”

“I told you what was up Yemya! I told you. I hear shit about different niggahs you talk to. I thought we had cleared that shit up about Jennifer. She is a friend Mya… we fucked one damn time! All these other hoes don’t matter!”

            “Shame…”

“You know what… you right. You do need time to yourself. Obliviously I keep dragging you in bullshit. And…” Shame said sighing into the phone. “I just need time to myself. If breaking up is something you want then Mya… you got it.” Was his last word before he hung up the phone in my face.

            Still holding the phone up to my ear; I was literally knocked on my ass while still sitting down. Did this niggah just break up with me? Is he the one really waving his white flag… calling it troops? What did I just do? This moment was the one that I hated the most, we broke up over nonsense. I was fed up and so was he. But over all who was in the wrong? Did his baby mama win this battle by stirring up lies to benefit herself? Or was Shame really cheating? I couldn’t even have the urge to cry, but only in mere thought of what just fuckin happen.

 

10

 

            Logging on to Facebook, I did my usual… replied back to any missed comments, checked out my friends pages and wrote on their walls. All the while of my being nosey, I received a couple of inbox messages. One was from Shame…

Shame AskAHoeBoutMe:

            lil dee said sumn bout i was pose 2 had called u a hoe wuss dat about i mean really dat aint even sumn i would say n iiont even kno y u would thank i said dat junk u kno we betta den dat real shit dat shit crazy i swear but i aint neva said no mess like dat about u n i aint neva said ne thang bad about u period dats my word!

     After reading the inbox message, I couldn’t do nothing but smirk. Yea told me the Shame was pissed about us breaking up and going around disrespecting me by throwing salt on my name. At first I was in fact beyond pissed. But then, I thought about it and said to myself that the niggah just was mad about us. Hell… I know that I don’t fuck off and act whorish so why should I give a damn about what someone else think. Shame can think whatever for all I care.

Yemya DaBaddest:

            LOOK SHAME AIN EVEN GONE WORRY BOUT IT EVEN IF U DID OR DIDN’T SAY IT I DON’T CARE LIKE I TOLD MY N LAW MAYB DA PERSON LIED BUT IT’S NOTH’N MAN PPL GOT SHIT 2 SAY BOUT SUM N PUTT’N DIRT N PPL HANDS THEEZ DAYS N IF U DID SAY IT THAT WOULD B FUCKED UP N I SWEAR I WOULD TELL U 2 LOOSE MY DAMN NUMBA THATS IF U DID, BUT I DON’T B AROUND U 2 KNO WHAT U B SAYN….

     After reading over my message, I quickly press send; shutting my computer down. I don’t want to hear any other explanation about the he say she say shit. What was said or wasn’t said didn’t need to be explained. Besides, hearing Shame plead his case was a nonfactor. Thinking about Shame and how he felt wasn’t going to do nothing but hold me back from facing my demons. Of course I had to let the shit go. Crazy as it is, I keep mentally telling myself that. Although physically my heart says otherwise; I have to realize that I need to push those heart felt feelings to the back because as of now… they are irrelevant.

 

11

“Wish that I can press rewind to take away the pain”

 

            I don’t know what has gotten into me. I haven’t heard from Shame and chose not to answer any phone calls or reply back to any text messages. I can’t say that the vibe that I was feeling was a depressed feeling. I was far from depressed, just deep in thought. I know a lot of females have teary, sleepless nights after a break up. I can understand why. As women we tend to get hook on something to the point where we feel as if we can’t live without a certain someone. I was upset at Shame, upset about us… upset that our relationship has come to an end. But— I can cope with the situation. As far as me hating the fact that we ended the way we did and the shit that has been said. I’m slowly coming to terms to understanding why. Shame has been bouncing back and forth for the past five months between me and his baby mama. I guess that is why I gave up the decision to abort my baby; in which I have yet to tell Shame and wasn’t for sure if I ever will.

            I know I can get a bitchy attitude. Give me reason to have one and trust my actions will speak louder than words. Although I felt bad about accusing Shame— it just made me feel better to know that I was hurting without him and that he wasn’t around to see my pain. Love in some shape, form or fashion can hurt like hell. Depending on how hard you love. It took for us to break up for me to even realize that as much as I loved Shame. I wasn’t in love with him. As much as I was mad, cursing him out and putting him out— it helped me up hold my walls of resentment causing me to gain more strength. As much as I didn’t want to blame Shame about us breaking up; I have come to terms that I didn’t want to let him go… us go. I loved him just that much to where it was killing me in some way. I tried so hard to let things go between Shame and I. I even relied on mutual attention from other niggahs.

            While lying in my bed contemplating, I heard my front door open and shut. Wondering who could be? Hoping that it was Shame; I heard a set of keys being put on a nearby table. “Mya!” I heard voice trailing throughout my apartment. It was my sister Kenya. I wonder what the hell did she want? Turning over, I covered my head and with my pillow, closing my eyes as if I were sleep. “MYA” I heard her say again. “I know yo’ ass is in here heifa!” She said as I heard her come near my bedroom door, turning the knob. “Mya! Get your ass up!” Kenya said as she walked into my bedroom pulling the sheets from over my body. “Get up Mya. Everyone been trying to get in touch with you! Even your mama thinks something has happened to you.” Kenya said as she continued to agitate me.

            “Ugh! Kenya— let me be! Daaaang” I said kicking away Kenya hands as she continuously tried to reach for my feet so that she can tickle them.

            “Get out the bed Mya. Your plants need watering, dishes need cleaning, trash need to be taken out… you need to really get it together.”

            “I just want to be alone Kenya, get my thoughts together.

“You have been alone for some day’s girl. It’s Sunday! I hope you don’t think you are missing out on work tomorrow.”

            Climbing out of the bed, I looked at Kenya and smirked. “Girl, I’m up ok. You happy now?”

“Very much so… so what are we doing today?” Kenya asked following me into the bedroom.

            “Honestly, I’m just chilling”

“Girl get it together… you and Shame are too in love and will likely get over this shit”

            Walking out of my bedroom with Kenya on my heels; I walked into my messy kitchen to grab me a bottle of water out of the fridge. “Kenya” I said as I opened the bottle of water to quench my thirst “If we ever try again, I don’t know if it’ll be the final time… If you don’t believe me then listen to my eyes” I stated as tears welled up in them.

            “Girl” Kenya said as she walked towards me, pulling me in close. “Stop all that crying Mya. So showing that your heart is weak, you are better than that!”

            “I don’t know what’s up with me Kenya. All these emotions over Shame is overwhelming. At times, I feel as if we should be together. But when he called the relationship off instead of me… I’m like damn… Was I the one wrong?”

            “Look Yemya, the world has a lot to offer. You should never ever feel like your life revolves around one man. Look at what you have been through with Shame and you call that love??? Love doesn’t make you feel like you should abort your unborn, it shouldn’t make you have doubts or deal with drama with other females boo. Love is not worth the pain if it’s causing your heart and mind to torture.”

            In all, I knew Kenya was right. Yet I kept having this mind feeling of me wishing that I could be with Shame all day long like it used to be.  I wonder why I can’t imagine my life without him… There comes a point in time where I know I have to let go of something. God is removing him from my life for a reason and I just have to accept it and walk away.

            Although I felt as if I should be mean to him which made me feel bad at the same time; the thought of having resentment also made me feel better. I was hurting without Shame and he wasn’t around to see my pain. Love in a way can hurt like hell if you let it. If your heart and mind isn’t strong enough to fight off the disease it can inflict a lot on you as a person. It took Shame and I to break up for me to realize that. At the end of the day, I began to feel vulnerable to point where my mind was off of Shame and back on other niggahs like PJ and Darryl.